DilleysJourney

Endometriosis. Infertility. Failed Adoption. Life. Love. Adoption. Family. 

1-16-18

January 12th, 2008, I started dating the man I am married to today. Raymond. Even though he wasn't quite a man then, he was merely a young teenage boy without a care in this world & I was barely a woman with no direction in life yet, we seemed to connect. A connection that was solely to be just a fun run in the sun for us both...didn't quite end up that way. And boy, am I ever so happy it didn't. We never intended to become serious, yet somehow, we fell in love. He, barely 17 and I just shy of turning 20. Maybe it was young, dumb love or possibly an infatuation with the idea of love. Either way...it happened. As we moved in together, trying to make our future, we decided, after a year of dating, that it was time to start a family of our own. Now, were we ready? Eh, we thought we were, as most young couples do. But, in all reality, we were not financially nor emotionally ready, but we ventured any way. In my mind, I imagined we would try and I would fall pregnant within a couple months time. I mean, why not, all my friends were. Some even working on their second and third children. It seemed so easy for them. Sex=Baby. Right!?

Unfortunately, that  was not at all the case for Ray and I. Months have came and gone. No pregnancy. Not even a scare. Ray has faith that it will just take us time. I on the other hand cannot wrap my head around any of it. I think to myself, "Gosh, we've done "it" every single day for months, how can I not be pregnant yet?" I instantly assume there must be an issue with him. Maybe partying days took its toll on his sperm count. Is what I thought. Even though his Dad had 5 children and his Mom 4. There was no apparent reason I should stick to thinking it was him, but I still had doubts. We kept trying. Still Nothing. Finally, it was as if we weren't even really "trying" at all anymore, just doing "it", as much as we could anyway. It was hard to try for a baby when sex, to say the least, sometimes just down right hurt. I kept that to myself for some time. I couldn't understand why it hurt so bad sometimes & felt so good others. Excuse my words. But, we are all adults here. I surely didn't want Ray to know he was hurting me, I mean to the extent that he actually was anyway. The things I suffered through without him even knowing back then are no secret to him nowadays. Just imagine, wanting to please your man, the man you love, and literally having to hold back every tear, every tremble, every pain you may feel.  I didn't keep it from him out of fear he would be mad, but only out of embarrassment. What woman cries out in pain after a good night of love making? Just me! Or so I thought... It most definitely took a huge toll on my self-esteem. I kept quiet. Until one night, I was having my usual, ya know, the normal excruciating period pain. Yep, that's right, good ole Aunt Flow and all her baggage had arrived.

Like I said, I was experiencing severe pain, but that was nothing new to me. Since I was 11 years old, I had experienced very, very, very painful periods. So, to me this was normal. But, the pain became even more unbearable than "normal", and I just could not take it anymore. I had a friend take me to the ER. And to no surprise to myself, they simply said I was just having a bad period. They jabbed me in my hip with a shot of some amazing pain meds that numbed me from the waist down. Can you say YES! I had pain relief, finally for the first time...and it lasted a whole 30 minutes, to be exact. That meant back home and back to a long, agonizing night of pain. And NO answers, still. Until, I followed up with a Doctor at Family Planning...and she says to me, "Has anyone ever mentioned Endometriosis to you before?" Huh? Endo-me-what? She said you have all the symptoms, you might want to check into it. So, anyone who knows me, knows I did just that! Research after research...it made all the sense in the world to me, yet made no sense at all. How could I have a disease? A reproductive and immune disease at that? There's just  no way this is what has been wrong with me. And it causes infertility. What are the chances?

Ray and I decided I needed to see another doctor and really get to the bottom of this. So, I did. My heart hurt and my brain was full of worry as I sat in the waiting room of another doctor.  Yet another dead end. It was all normal he said. Nothing to worry about, I was just having bad periods and it was normal at my age to not have conceived yet. I told myself, if the doctor says it, it must be true, right? Wrong. A few months later I took myself to a third doctor, and all the same responses. Normal. Normal. Normal. "You're too young to have Endometriosis." Now, mind you, by this time, I have pretty much researched everything there was to research about this debilitating disease. I knew something was just not right. And all the while, still no  pregnancy and continuous pain. But, guess what I did...I gave up. I stopped searching for answers. I stopped trying to find the truth. What was the point? No doctor was trying to help me figure it out. Maybe it was just normal. Even though in the back of my mind and in the depths of my heart, I knew, something was truly wrong with me. I didn't talk a lot about my pains anymore, because it seemed not too many understood. Beings numerous doctors had said it was all normal and nothing to worry about, they didn't seem to worry much about it either. Why would they?

My pain and heartache only grew deeper and stronger. Feeling all alone, was the absolute worst. A few years have passed. Numerous rounds of different types of Birth Control, which only made it all worse. Several ER visits. Too many negative pregnancy tests to even try to count. Still no answers. No family of our own. And all the pain in the world. My heart hurt a hurt I couldn't even begin to explain. So many nights, lying in bed crying, wondering why, why couldn't anyone help me. Why were people saying this was all normal? Anyone who knew what this felt like, would not at all think it was normal. I had already read years before, that anyone who had been trying to conceive for 12 months in a row and had not, was considered infertile. How devastating would that be to have to think that about yourself? Pretty much broke my heart!

In December of 2012, I had a few tests done, vaginal ultrasounds. To no surprise, they came back abnormal. Cysts. All over my ovaries. Solid cysts or as they call them, chocolate cysts. The type of cysts you only get if you have Endometriosis! Ah ha! There's that word again. The one thing I had been telling everyone I knew I had, for the past four years. All the while, I am still being told not to worry too much. But this time, I couldn't help it. I knew it, I had that horrible disease. I did everything possible to prepare myself for the worst news in the world. And here it was...SURGERY! My thoughts raced and my heart pounded. 25 years old and I had to have surgery just to diagnose this horrible, life altering monster that lived inside me. Well, it was also the only way to remove the cysts I had too. I do not want to mention any actual names, so I will call my doctor, Dr. L. She performed my surgery in January of 2013 . Over 3 hours long. A definite diagnosis of Stage 4 Endometriosis...and HOPE. Dr. L assures us that after I recovered, that within 6 months I should fall pregnant. Oh man, Oh man, Oh man. How exciting is this? A fresh start. I had been "cleaned" out and ready for baby making.

If you can imagine, we were ecstatic. And try, we did. We did everything we could think of, including standing on my head after having sex. I know, sounds beyond silly, but we wanted to make sure those little guys got to where they were suppose to be going. We wanted nothing to stand in our way. As far as we were concerned, everything was going great. The pain was still there during sex but not as intense as before. I took ovulating tests and they all were positive. This had to be it. It was going to happen and I just knew it. Until, it just never did. This took a toll not only on myself but Ray too. He didn't have a whole lot to say about it, because honestly, he is just not much of talker. He doesn't know it but I could see it in his eyes. I could hear it in his voice. The sadness and the pain. Even though he stayed strong and supportive, I will always know, no matter how much it affected me, it affected him all the same. The guilt set in on me hard. All I could think is that it was all my fault. And to be honest, it may not have been something I caused myself but it was all because of me that we couldn't have a baby. Depression definitely set in.

 October 12th, 2013, Ray and I were married. It was a small but beautiful wedding. One of the most amazing days of my life. Ray doesn't know it (well he will now if he reads this) but the entire time we were saying our vows, all I could think was how happy I was. How amazing he was for still wanting to make me his wife despite the fact that I had Endometriosis. Despite the fact that I would probably never be able to give him a child. And despite the fact that I was unhealthy and would endure this disease for the rest of our life together. He truly loved me for me. All the mood swings, the ER visits, & the medications didn't matter. And for that day, I felt no pain, only the happiness of knowing I had just promised myself to and would spend my life with my best friend. Life as we knew it could only get better from here, right? Wrong! Little did we both know we were headed down a long, bumpy road through obsession, depression, disappointment, infertility, anger, heartbreak, and so much more........... "To Be Continued"

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1-17-18

Now, as I was saying...Obsession, depression, disappointment, infertility, anger, heartbreak, and so much more. My Endometriosis( I am going to call Endo for short) only grew worse and worse. The pain grew stronger and stronger. This gosh damn Monster was destroying me from the inside out. I became obsessed. My whole life became about Endo. Now, don't get me wrong, I love being an advocate for Endo; I will never be ashamed of that. When I say I became obsessed, I mean to the point that I didn't let anyone else in anymore. Not even my Husband. I became angry at the world to say the least. Depression was no joke. I began writing poems and short writings, that everyone loved to read, yet failed to see how fast I was slipping away from life...I was becoming someone I didn't even know. I cried every single night. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I had lost all hope. I was in tremendous pain more days than not; I couldn't control my emotions. My thoughts and pain overpowered me. There was a monster growing inside me, and it was destroying me. No one could see it, because I wouldn't let them. I hide my pain well. It's amazing how much one fake smile can hide from the whole world.

I wanted to give up and I will not lie, I nearly did. I couldn't see it then, but I was pushing everyone in my life that mattered the most, away. I guess because a part of me felt so guilty and ashamed of myself as a woman, a wife, a daughter, a sister...What good would I ever be? I had an incurable disease that caused me a great deal of pain on nearly a daily basis. It was consuming me. My heart was ever so broken from fear of never being able to carry a baby of our own. I felt as if my Husband looked at me with disappointment. That I had failed my entire Family. Truth be known, I had all the support, love, and people behind me in the world...yet I still felt so alone. It was a scary place to be. I took myself to a therapist who then put me on three different types of depression medicines, anxiety meds, and seen  me once a week. It helped to a certain extent. In other words, it helped ease some of the depression and I was then able to take myself off of the depression medicine and stop seeing the therapist. But, in all reality, it didn't change anything. I was tired. I longed for everything to just be okay again, somehow. I pulled myself out of that deep, dark hole I had kept myself in for so long. I simply took a look at Ray and decided I couldn't give up. I promised him the world...and I had to keep fighting, for us...

So, I did just that. I wiped away the tears, strengthened my heart, and I began contacting doctors out of town, actual fertility specialists. It is now early 2015 and we have an appointment with a specialist! The doctor walked in and her first words to me were, "WHEN we get you pregnant!!" My heart felt a beat it had not yet ever felt before. My stomach fluttered with nervousness and excitement. I could not believe this was really happening. I will never in my life forget the look on Ray's face that day. We found hope again...and we were going to finally be parents. It was amazing. We started right away. The specialist wanted to try 3 rounds of IUI's, which is Intrauterine Insemination. Now this was the rough part. The medicines and hormones I had to take. Pills. Several shots in my belly. Which, by the way, I could not give to myself and neither could Ray...so my amazing Daddy took on the task. We made numerous trips to Overland Park, where our doctors were. As draining as it was, it was the most wonderful feeling, knowing that in just a few short weeks, we should be getting news of a new member to our family. Sadly, the first IUI FAILED! My heart started to sink.

Our family stood by our side through this entire journey and they were still right here with us, holding my hand. Ray hurt but he put on a strong front, for me I know. We took a hard hit to the gut but, we did not throw in the towel. Time for the second IUI. Same circumstances. Meds. Shots. Hormones. Except this time, there was a new found fear inside me that this one would fail as well. Then, the fear became reality. FAILED. I ended up in the emergency room with excessive bleeding and pain after being over a week late on my period. As if that didn't bring excitement to us all just to knock us down again. I can't hold on anymore at this point, at least that is what my heart is telling me. This is too much. Why didn't this work? These were specialists. I am so sorry Ray. I am sorry to my family. I thought all the negative pregnancy tests in the past were heartbreaking; this was beyond that. We had spent all our money on the first two rounds of IUI's, thousands of dollars...we risked it all on a chance and our chance was ripped away with no explanation whatsoever. 

We had one IUI left to do but, the specialist told us due to the emergency room visit and severe complications I was having that we needed to hold off until the next month to try our last round. So we wait. We wait only to receive more devastating news before then. I need a SECOND surgery!! What!? Why?? We are in the middle of trying make a baby, fertility treatments, and have one more round left before we try to start IVF. How can I possibly need another surgery already, it's only been two years since my last one. I am not ready for this. The doctors say that all the fertility medicines aggravated my Endo, and apparently made it very angry. It grew triple in size. My cysts, that had already came back after the first surgery, were to the size where they had to be removed immediately. It is now November 2015 and I am prepped and ready for my second surgery. Little do we know, we will be getting the most heartbreaking, devastating news we have had yet... The doctor spoke six short words to me after my surgery, words that still haunt me to this day...and with those six short words, she changed Ray and I's life forever!  "To Be Continued"...

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1-18-18

"You will never carry a child!"...Those six words broke me. My heart ached an ache that it had never felt before. I mean, yes, I had read it. I had thought it. I had imagined it. But, nothing prepared us for the pain that came with actually hearing it point blank. I had no strength left in me to even try to fight back the tears. Ray tried his very best to comfort me and care for me at the same time. I was still in the recovery room and had just gotten out of surgery when the doctor broke the news to us. Ray had no idea what to even say besides "It's okay babe, breathe!" And all I could do was cry and cover my face. I felt so ashamed; all at the same time it felt as if every thing  we had fought so hard for, everything we had dreamed of, all we ever wanted, had just came to a halting stop! I am not okay. Ray feels it too but who is there to pick him back up? No one. I couldn't even figure out how to be strong for myself let alone him. He didn't have a chance to grieve it out loud, I was doing that for the both of us. It wasn't fair. But I couldn't see it then. He needed me just as much as I needed him but I was nowhere to be found. I was lost in a world of heartbreak and I wasn't sure if I would ever come back from it. My poor Ray...the things he endured and kept inside all so I could let my pain out.

We were far from a perfect couple, if there even is such a thing. We had our fair share of issues and bumps in the road. But there was one thing we always had and that was love. We never gave up on one another, even when some times it seemed like that's all we had left to do. How he did it I still wonder to this day. I thank God for the man he was and still is. Without him, I would've never known what real love was. Real love isn't all about hugs, kisses, romantic nights, and what have you. Real love is when two people go through hell and back, never leaving one another's side. It is seeing one face through all the pain and suffering. It is making it through some of the hardest battles you never imagined having to go through. It is being defeated time and time again. It's about struggling but struggling together. It is when someone, if you will, throws every obstacle in your path, every reason to give up, and you still walk out of it hand in hand with a love that never failed you.

We had lost so very much throughout the years yet we had gained much more than we knew. We had each other. And even on the worst of days, we knew that nothing could ever take that away from us. As we tried to cope and make it through this life altering news we had gotten just after my surgery, we never could have expected what happened next. We were given a chance of a lifetime. Something we NEVER thought would happen for us. Our hearts seemed to find healing and fill with even more love. As we left my two week check up from my surgery, with our heads hung, having heard yet again those heart wrenching words...a message comes across my phone. A young daughter of a woman who was engaged to my Uncle before he had passed away & had been a part of our family. She is pregnant with a baby girl. She is due in April of 2016. And..........she would like us to adopt her baby! I don't think I had ever cried so many happy tears in my entire life.

All in one day we accepted our most devastating news and then the most beautiful news we could have ever wished for. It was finally happening for us and we had never been more excited. We immediately met with the young girl who proceeded to inform us that she was not ready for a child, she had a drug addiction, and wanted to do what was best for the baby. She asked if we would do an open adoption because she didn't completely want to walk away. It took some time for Ray to put his heart into that idea. I explained to him that it would the best thing to do for the baby. That we knew her family and all would be just fine. Finally, he adjusted and we became a big part of this young woman's life, more so than anyone could have imagined. It was such a beautiful thing. Everything was perfect. We went to doctor appointments with her. We spent time with her. We developed a relationship that was very strong. Ray and I immediately began shopping for baby items. Ray rebuilt a whole room for her. It was so exciting being able to do all these things that we had dreamed of for so long. We were happy. Happy isn't even the right word to describe what we were. We then picked a name. How much fun was that! And it fit perfectly...Journi Kay. Journi, because we felt she was our journey and Kay is my middle name that has been passed down from the women in my family. It was all set. Everyone was more than on board. We were having a baby!

We then decided to have a small "shower" for our Birth Mother(BM), so that she could receive gifts to pamper herself after the baby arrived. Gifts such as photo albums, picture frames, & other things that she could share with Journi. Special things. I even came up with a nickname that Journi could call her...MJ. Like I said before, I will not use actual names, but it stood for Mama J****. I thought it was a good fit and would mean a lot to our BM and Journi through the years. I remember sitting back at this time and thinking to myself, wow, this is really happening and it's going so beautifully. Journi will have so much love and family that she will never know the feeling of being without. Ray and I had a whole new outlook on life. It was amazing. Can you just imagine? Almost 10 years of wishing, hoping, praying, dreaming, and just when we thought it was all over for us...it was only just beginning. 

As time got closer to our little girls arrival, our family threw us a Baby Shower. It was fantastic. So much support. So many loved ones came to celebrate with us. All the years before, I had done my very best to avoid baby showers, and believe me, there were a lot. Our friends and family were popping out babies left and right. Don't get me wrong, for the most of them, I was beyond happy for...but I still could not bring my heart to handle watching everyone open baby gifts, share baby stories, and glow, knowing we would never know what that felt like. Call me selfish or rude but I am just being honest. I was happy for them but I grieved for us. But, this time, this day was ours!!! And that is when we finally knew what this all had felt like for so many others. Absolutely wonderful! 

Our Journi decided to come early. She was born on April 4th, 2016 at 7:57pm. She came into the world weighing 5 pounds 11.5 ounces and was 19 inches long. She was given the name Journi Kay. She was the most amazing little girl we had ever seen...and she was ours. Our hearts were full. I stayed the entire hospital stay with our BM and Journi. Ray was there every day, all day until it was bed time. Family and friends came to meet her. I couldn't believe it...we did it. And, even though we might not have made her ourselves, she was every bit of ours in every way that mattered. We were in love. We had a beautiful daughter. All was good. We brought her home and gave her all the love in the world. We shared experiences that we had longed for for too many years. Watching Ray with his little girl absolutely melted my heart. It was wonderful to be parents. To be her parents. Our journey of trying to have a family was finally over and now we were embarking on a whole new journey of HAVING a family. Everything was perfect. So we thought...

April 24th, 2016...our whole world came crashing down on us right before our eyes and there wasn't a damn thing we could do about it. To say we lost it would be an understatement. All those pieces of our hearts that we had worked so hard to put back together again, had just crumbled into dust and we watched as the wind swept it all away. I was numb. Ray was more heartbroken than I had ever seen him before. The most traumatic day of our life. We were shattered; left with nothing but a baby room full of her things, memories, and broken hearts.  Journi was gone in an instant. And we never seen her again...."To Be Continued"

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1-19-18

The pain was more real than anything I had ever felt. We had just lost our child. Not by death but it felt just the same. She was never coming home to us. It was dark again. My eyes went hazy and my body went cold. I'd close my eyes and she was all I could see. Her small little hand wrapped around my finger as I held her close. The smile on her face that lit up the room. The late night feedings we shared. Walking into a room to see Daddy holding her. It was all gone yet it was all that raced through my mind. Where did things go so wrong? We had no idea. MJ had changed her mind just a week before we were to finalize the paperwork. She left us with no explanation, only a horrible night that haunts our every move. It was an awful night. A night that I remember like it was yesterday. One text from MJ. "I am coming to get Journi, let me know when she is ready, I want my daughter back." Like any normal parent would do, we refused. DFS had released her to us due to the BM's drug addiction and unfit lifestyle.

So, what does she do, she brings the Cops. And to our dismay, they treated us as if we had kidnapped that poor baby. Telling us she was the Mother and had all the rights. That we never gave her a chance to be a Mom because we had the baby. What!? Are you f****** kidding me!? This was an adoption. Guardianship first and then adoption. She made the choice to not parent. We never once kept Journi from her, never even thought to. She had came and seen her every day. Journi had even went to MJ's home and spent time without us. That was our agreement, an open adoption that we actually took to a whole new level. Unfortunately, it had all back fired on us. We let her in too much. I blame myself. Ray didn't want an open adoption and I convinced him that it was best for us all because I thought it was and to be completely honest, I wanted us to have a family so badly. I will live with that decision always. I never even seen it coming...Blind sided!

Life went on for us all, as it does. MJ was living our dream. She had Journi. She had stolen our child's name.(That she actually had changed nearly six months later.) All we were left with was an ache so massive that it nearly destroyed us. We weren't the same anymore. Not as individuals and not as Husband & Wife. I mourned the loss of Journi for all the world to hear and see. Ray held onto his strength he had acquired through the many years of disappointments and pain. He kept every ounce of grief to himself and to this day, still has. I remember back when I was having a mental break down and I couldn't quite understand why he didn't cry. Why he didn't talk about her like I did. Was he just trying to forget her? It made me even more angry. I talked about her all the time. She was still very much a part of me. I just couldn't figure out why Ray didn't feel and do all the things that I had. And finally he spoke. "I have to be strong for the both of us, I have to hold us together because you're falling apart. I will never forget Journi but it hurts too bad to remember her." Then I knew how horrible of a wife I had been. How could I not think he felt all the same ways as I did. I was selfish and never even gave him the chance to grieve his loss. I wasn't the only one who had lost a child and watched a dream crumble away, so had he. I should have never left it all up to him to hold us together but I just couldn't find any strength in myself. It was as if when Journi left, so did I.

Months went by. I grieved and I mourned. Our family sat back and watched as it consumed me. They all tried to be here for us, as they always had. Hell, they all lost someone too...and now they were losing me. They understood our pain and our grief but they felt so helpless as to how to make it all go away for us. They couldn't no matter how hard they tried. All they could do was offer an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. And for that, I am forever grateful.

Days passed and with time we tucked away our pain from losing Journi. We forgot what it was like to want our dream come true. We had forgotten what we were fighting for. As our tremendous loss lived with us still, we moved on. Best we knew how. We never were really at peace with what had happened that night but we tried. As far as how, I do not know. With our marriage, what felt like, on the edge, we decided we had to make a change. We had been through too much together to continue letting this tear us away from one another. It was time to take back our life. So, what did we do? We put having a family on the back burner. We accepted that it was just never going to happen for us. We started taking little trips to other states, to spend some well deserved time away. We started working towards our future as it being just the two of us.

All the while, I still dealt with everything that Endo had to offer me. Over the years, it had only gotten worse. I recently had worked at a Day Care for nearly four years. As a Teacher. I loved it. I loved the children. I found great friendships in some of my coworkers. It was a blessing to be able to be in the lives of these children, teaching them, caring for them, and watching them grow. At the same time that it was a blessing, it only reminded me of what we were still missing. A Family.

I stayed with my job, working my a** off on a daily. I had started out working full time, 8 hours a day 5 days a week. As I continued to miss days due to my illness, my boss thought it would be a good idea to cut me to part time. With hesitation, I agreed. It was getting to be a little difficult for me. I then started working 6 hours a day. Still nothing had changed. I still missed many days. Had to take six weeks leave time for my second surgery. I had also took a 4 week maternity leave for when we were adopting our daughter. I am certain I had to make an unexpected call in at least three to five times a month, or more. Continuous Emergency Room visits. Sleepless nights. It was, again, taking its toll on me and my ability to be an asset to the income in our marriage.

After we had lost Journi, I decided that cutting down to 4 hours a day may benefit myself and my boss a little better. I tried. It didn't. In July of 2017, I had to give my notice. I just couldn't do it anymore. It was one of the hardest decisions I had ever made. Leaving my second family. I felt as if I were giving up. But, I had to think of myself and my health for a change. I had worked since I was seventeen. I had graduated high school even after dropping out for almost two years. I had helped in taking care of my family while in pain, for years. I feel like I deserved to take care of me now. A few months after I had quit my job, I was denied my disability. The disability that I had been fighting for for over four years. As my attorney is appealing it, my husband is now the sole provider in our marriage. Luckily, he is a hard working man with a good job working on a road crew. We make it. Have we ever struggled, heck yes! Is it hard only having one income? Sometimes. But, because we both have worked hard in life, we now own our home. We own our car. We have made good for ourselves even through all the struggles. It's been one hell of a ride, that's for sure!

On July 4th 2017, Ray and I stood outside our home watching the Firework show...when a message beeps on my phone. A person I do not know. A young woman. "I heard you and your husband were looking into adopting a baby." My first thought was, "Is this for real?"  We cannot take any loss again. I was skeptical. So was Ray. And I was honest with this young woman about that from the start. She understood. She had then told me she had followed our story with losing Journi and she assured me that she would never make us go through that again. We talk for awhile. She informs me that she is having a boy and is due in September! She has a boyfriend, a job, and a two year old son, but they're not at all ready to have another baby. And instead of going through an adoption agency, like she had considered, they wanted to give a couple who deserved it, their dream come true...And she chose us. We didn't have much time. But, after long nights of conversations with our new BM and long discussions with Ray & our family, we were going to be parents soon to a beautiful baby boy...I saw the light again. We had found hope once more. We had faith in this young couple and they had faith in us. Little did these two amazing people truly know, they had completed us beyond anything imaginable! They then became our Angels!  But...our journey was not over just yet...."To Be Continued"

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1-20-18

As amazing as this all was and no matter how very happy we were, we decided to do things a little different this time. Our past haunted us. We left our guard up by no fault of their own. They had kept all their promises and had been just great through it all...but we did not want to become too involved, like we had before. We made it very clear from the beginning that we would not be up for an Open Adoption due to what we had endured with Journi. They complied and agreed that they would not be wanting an Open Adoption but only to be given updates and know he was being taken care of. We had absolutely no problem with that. Why would we? These people were giving us something out of this world, something that I never could. We shared a love for them that even they will probably never comprehend. We did not attend any doctor appointments, even though we so badly wanted to. We did not meet with the couple until a few days before the birth. We did not announce anything to anyone other than our immediate family. We asked that our family not throw us a baby shower. He was pretty much kept secret from the world. Best and hardest secret we've ever kept. We just simply waited for his grand arrival. 

Oddly enough, one day before this young woman had contacted us about the adoption, another woman who I had talked to the year before after we had experienced our failed adoption, sends me a text. Random! She and her Husband have an organization that helps fund families trying to adopt, called Orphan-Free. At the time that she had randomly contacted me again, we had no clue about this new adoption whatsoever. Was this a miracle in the making? I inform her that Ray and I were taking a break right now from trying for a family, we were trying to heal from all we had been through. She understands and then tells me when we're ready to let her know, they would love to help us. So...of course she gets a surprising text just one day later exclaiming that we have just been offered something amazing; we just do not have very much time to come up with all the expenses needed for a legal adoption.

And then, something we never expected....these two outstanding people granted us $5,000. We knew they wanted to help us with funds but we had no idea this is what they meant. We then immediately started fundraising of our own. Still all the while keeping it as much of a secret as possible. Our family knew we were in the adoption process but they had absolutely no clue that we actually had a baby on the way in such a short time. Oh boy was that hard for all of us to keep to ourselves. We had such exciting, unbelievable news but we had agreed not to spill one word of it. It was for our protection and the birth parents as well. Our family started helping with the raising of funds and then BOOM...another surprise! Orphan-Free had granted us another $5,000!! These people are beyond amazing. Between their generous grants and the amounts that our family had helped us raise...we can 100% MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

My heart is racing something fierce. Ray finds himself more than excited for his new son. Love fills our hearts for this tiny little guy who we haven't even met yet. A love I can't even begin to put into words. All that we had been through, disappointment and loss, never prepared us for what was about to happen to us now! We wait patiently, daily, for his arrival. Ray and I worked on another room, all for him. New paint. New floor. New curtains. A new beginning. We bought a few baby items but we didn't overdo it. We got all the proper legal documents and arrangements in order. Now it was time to pick a name for him. Ray didn't find he liked a lot of my names I had thought of...but we finally decided on an amazing name. Passing down Ray's middle name along with it. It immediately stuck. We would call him Zaydon Michael Dilley. And Zaydon was on his way..."To Be Continued"

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1-24-18

September 4th 2017, we wait. Oh do we wait. BM was due to be induced this day. It was probably one of the longest days of our lives. As we squirmed about trying to find ways to stay busy until that glorious text came, we couldn't help but be nervous. We are going into this with our whole hearts again and we know there is a huge chance it could all go south. We are scared but we stay faithful. I know I must have cried alone in the bathroom at least ten times before we even made it to the hospital. At 10 o'clock, the text comes...It's time. They're about to break her water and soon our son will be here, ready for all this love we had to give him. We rush around, hurrying to make it to our local hospital. Oh my God, this is really happening, again. Except this time it feels so different. Ray and I wait in the waiting room, scared and ever so excited until the text comes again... at 11:10pm, "He's here." 

Zaydon made is grand entrance on September 4th, 2017 at 11:10pm. Labor Day. Weighing in at a whopping 6 pounds 3 oz  & 19 inches long. We were taken to our own room to wait to meet our son. We wait. And we wait. No one ever brings him. No one ever comes. We aren't understanding what is going on at this point. Had the Birth Parents changed their mind? Is something wrong with Zaydon? The worries and fear began to set in. A fear that was all too familiar for us. We sat quietly on the bed not knowing what to say or what to even do. I can't take it any longer. I go to the nursery. I tell them I am Zaydon's adoptive mother and would like to make sure all is okay. She simply says, "We're going to watch him for a bit, he's not quite breathing on his own yet, nothing to worry about." Wait! What?? He isn't breathing on his own!? Is my baby okay? Why are you not giving us anymore answers than that. Poor Zaydon is in that nursery all alone and he doesn't even know we're here for him. We're here baby boy, Mama and Daddy are here!!

We meet up with the birth parents who then inform us that the hospital is not able to tell Ray or I anything pertaining to Zaydon because we do not have court papers signed yet. Mind you, it is Labor Day and there is no judge around to sign our papers! So as the birth parents "fought" the nurses, telling them in every way possible that they had no say in this baby and we were the parents, we were brought devastating news, the kind of news that makes your heart drop all the way to the floor and leaves you feeling numb. Zaydon is being airlifted to Children's Mercy Hospital due to Respiratory Distress. He has to leave immediately or things could so wrong. Our hospital is not equipped for this situation. Children's Mercy is already in the nursery working on our poor little guy, getting him ready for the flight. 

Our hearts ache something horrible. We feel so damn helpless. We want to see him but they're saying we cannot because we have no legal document signed yet. I want to scream. But, I hold it all in. I have to. I have to be strong for this guy who is in that very room fighting for his life. Finally, one of the head nurses asks if we would like to go back and see him before CM leaves with him. Of course we do! Are you serious! And then...There he was. So tiny and fragile. Head full of hair. Beautiful complexion. He was inside an oxygen helmet, fighting for every breath he took. Tears filled my eyes and hurt filled my heart. All Ray and I could do was stare at him and then each other. He was the most amazing thing we had ever seen. He was our everything. The love for him was out of this world. And he had to pull through this! We ask if we can touch him before he leaves. I then tell him to hold on tight, we love him very much and we will be right by his side all the way.

At 4am CM takes Zaydon by helicopter. We are ready, even with absolutely no sleep, to venture on to Kansas City to be with him. But, we are given more heartbreaking news...CM will NOT let us be with our son until after we have signed documentation from a judge. It was all another waiting game...waiting for morning to come for our attorneys office to open. Waiting for her to get the paperwork to the judge. Waiting for the judge to sign and send it back. It felt like forever. All the while our poor baby is there all alone, scared, and fighting for his life. And there was nothing we could do but WAIT and fight to get to him... "To Be Continued"

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1-29-18

For the first two weeks of his life, he spent it hooked up to machines. We spent it traveling back and forth every single day to Children's Mercy. Staying overnight at his bedside. Sleeping in hotels just so we could be closer. Our family visited as much as possible. We all held him, shared our love and strength to help make him stronger; to know we weren't leaving his side. It was all so scary yet we were living our dream. We were Mommy and Daddy to an amazing little boy and as happy as we were...our hearts ached for him. Zaydon went from being on a ventilator and feeding tube, to a C PAP, to oxygen, to nothing in just a short time. He was our little tough guy and boy did he fight hard. He progressed immediately and was ready to finally come home! We were ever so excited to hear the news. He was okay. He was going to be okay. And...we could take him home, to his new home he had never been to yet. 

Zaydon Michael is now nearly 5 months old and weighs about 17 pounds. And he is doing absolutely AMAZING! We are more than living our dream. Our lives couldn't be more complete. Waking up to his gorgeous smile every single day reminds me of how precious life is, no matter the struggle. For so long, we had forgotten what it was like to genuinely be happy, now it is as if we have forgotten what it's like to be lost. Zaydon found us.

We now have a beautiful family. A family that we never gave up on no matter how hard and hurtful it was to keep going. A family that no one will ever take away from us.  A forever family that has blessed us beyond anything imaginable. And as each passing day goes by, I can't help but to be thankful for our struggle and pain, because without such tremendous losses we would have never met our greatest gain. We have found our missing piece..... 

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2-3-18

I would like to thank all of you who followed our journey. And to all our loved ones who have given us all the support in the world through all we have been through. We could not have survived all we have if it weren't for you. You're a part of our story...

Now let me begin with a few updates on our Family. 

Zaydon is still doing great! He is growing so quickly and learning new things daily. He weighs over 17 pounds. And tomorrow he turns 5 months old!! I can't help but sit and wonder where has the time gone. Our baby is growing up. It seems like only yesterday he was a 6 pound newborn baby who kept us up all hours of the night. As it took some time and patience we finally got him into a routine. He now goes down for bed between 8:30 & 9pm. He sleeps through the entire night, only to wake between 7 & 8am. I'd say that is progress! He is also eating solid baby foods, cereal, & oatmeal and it seems Bananas is his favorite! Can't say I blame him! :-) He has learned how to pick things up and somehow they always maneuver to his mouth. Go figure. He is also trying to sit up and roll over. He is very vocal and outspoken. He will fit right in with the rest of us just fine. Haha. We cannot wait to hear what all he has to say some day soon! He is such a happy little guy. Now, he does have a small attitude and when he wants something, he demands it. Zay (One of his many nicknames) is a very smart little boy and I know he will achieve great things in his life. We are more than proud to be his parents.

The three of us just overcame the horrible Flu. We had to make a late night trip to Children's Mercy for Zaydon. Because of his age we were told that Tamiflu could help him or it could cause more harm. We were given a choice and we decided not to give it to him. We brought him home, gave him pain reliever, plenty of fluids, and got him better. Ray and I were both sick with the flu at the very same time. And we all had it pretty bad...but as I have an immune disorder, it hit me extremely hard. I couldn't even move from the couch after a couple days. I felt so helpless for Zaydon. I couldn't even help him as much as I wanted to. Ray was a soldier and he took care of all three of us, even while he was sick as well. I don't know what Zay and I would do without that man...he is amazing. Thank you Daddy!

But, we're all better now and back to living our lives. It is exciting being parents. And all at the same time, it is work. But every cry, every poopy diaper, ever spit up, rarely any rest... is all worth it. Nothing compares to the cuddles, kisses, and giggles. Waking up to his smile every single morning is a blessing like no other. Something we have wished for...something we will cherish for all of our lives. Zaydon truly is our miracle baby in every way you could possibly think of. Without him...we would be lost. I hope with all my heart, that one day when the time comes that he will understand the depths of just how special he truly is...

 Time to say goodbye for today, it's nap time. Mom life... <3 ! I will write soon...

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2-7-18

Today has been a pretty great day. I woke up to Zaydon's gorgeous smile. Always a blessing. Got my chores done. Ray came home for his lunch break. Me and Zay danced around the front room together...and now we're listening to music and he is napping. :-) Life couldn't be any better.  I'm not sad anymore...like before...I am happy and living. It's wonderful. We're good with our new life as a Family.

Now, I'd like to talk about a few things if we could. I want anyone reading this that has struggled or is struggling through anything like we have, to know I will never sugarcoat anything. I will never tell you just because we unexpectedly and very fortunately had a happy ending to our journey, that you will too. I will always have hope in my heart for all those who feel what I have felt. Gone through what we have. Been so heartbroken that they lost themselves while they were searching for their missing piece. I will keep faith for you when you no longer can. My struggle and my pain will be with me forever, something I will never forget. I always hated it when people would say certain things to me through our struggles. I know they all meant well and only said it out of love and what they truly believed...but I never once found comfort in any of it. And you may, but I will never assure you that God's plan for you is to struggle and feel a pain that not too many understand. I will never tell you if it is meant to be it will happen. That's so unfair on so many levels. You do deserve a child. You don't deserve to struggle and feel pain. You're worthy of parenthood. You did not deserve to be born with an incurable disease that causes so much tragedy for you. Yes, everything happens for a reason, obviously. But, trying to find the answers as to WHY, none of us ever will. I never did. I nearly died trying. 

All I know, and all I will ever know is Zaydon came into our lives and everything fell into place. He is a miracle and he saved us. He made our dream come true. If we hadn't have struggled and stumbled upon our many tragedies, we would've never had this chance to be his parents. I no longer question why...I can't...I have all I have ever wanted and I hold him dear every day. As far as having struggled through Endometriosis and continue to... I will always wonder why me and my Sisters in this world have had to endure such an awful disease. I will always wish us pain free days. I will always talk about it. Learn it. Educate it. Spread awareness for it. And...I will always be here for each and every one of you. Endo has stolen many things from me, my family, and my life as a whole. It affects me every single day, in ways you couldn't imagine. But, I do my very best to stay strong and move forward. Zaydon has helped that part of my life tremendously. I wish I didn't have to live all my life with something that will only get worse, continue to take things from me, and cause me such great pain...but I can never change that. The only thing I can do is walk on... And now, I am walking with a whole lot to hold onto! 

I want you all, as hard as it will always be, to stay strong. Don't ever let this defeat you. When you feel like it's coming close to, reach out. Don't fight and struggle this alone. You don't have to. We're all here. Some of us know your pain while others have compassion for it. Never give up on what your heart truly wants in life. I can't promise that all your questions will be answered or that your dreams will come true...but I can tell you that you will forever regret giving up on something that means the whole world to you. Even if it never happens, which I hope it does for all of you. We all travel our own journeys in life, only we can choose how far we let it take us and make us...

(Zay is awake now, playing with his feet...he has found them recently. Haha.)

Everyone enjoy their day and thank you for following my writings. It means a lot to me. I wish there was a way to hear your feedback. I will write soon. 

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2-8-18

Blood has never been a necessary factor in who I consider family to me. I have many people in my life that I love dearly that do not share one ounce of the same blood as I do. Some of those people are better family to me than some whom I do share blood with. LOVE makes you family; there is just no question about it. I am also adopted. My Dad, who has been my Dad since the day he walked into our lives when I was just 3 years old, is my Dad in every way that matters. Always has been, always will be. He is the man who has given me guidance through life. The man who has shown me unconditional love. The man who cared for me when I was sick or made me laugh when I needed it most. A man whom I depend on & look up to more than he will ever know. A man who has given me not only a good life but also has shown me what Family really means. A true Dad. My friend. My go-to when I need an ear to listen and some sound advice. An amazing man who has instilled in me strength, respect, and love. My life would've been tremendously different without having him in it. And I hope that Ray and I can give Zaydon all those things in life and that he never thinks of us as anything other than his loving parents who gave him the best life they could.

My "sperm donor", who I will never call a father of any kind has given me the best gift any child could have ever asked for, and that was a Dad who loved me and raised me with no hesitation that I wasn't born from him. It never has really bothered me that my "SD"(Sperm Donor) signed his rights away to me and my older brother.  He didn't do it out of love but only for his own selfishness...which ended in the greatest thing he has ever done for any of his "kids". Thank you. Thank you for giving me the life I deserved. The Dad I needed. The love that was meant for me. 

I was 7 years old when I was legally adopted by my Dad. The "SD" only agreed to sign the papers so that he could no longer get into trouble or be responsible for child support. This man I talk about has never been anything other than evil. My mom left him, finally, when I was 3 years old. She had spent 10 years of her life with this man. This man who nearly took her life away. He abused my mom more times than I can remember but the times that I do, haunt me. It absolutely breaks my heart to know that she endured such a hurt that she didn't deserve. I will never forget it and unfortunately neither will she. She did get a son and a daughter out of it. A son who tragically turned into the spitting image of his father. A daughter who left home when she was just 15, running away from all her problems. And went straight to the man her mom and dad had tried to save her from all the years before. Yes, that's right. I ran away from home when I fifteen and I was gone until I turned 18. When I was 13 I had went through something tragic, something that stole my childhood from me. It caused me to lash out and turn to things I probably shouldn't have. Either way, it has all made me the woman I am today. 

My parents had warned me about my "SD's" family. That they were no good and could only cause harm. And as any young teenage kid does, I defied what they asked me to do and that was to stay away from any of them. They were only looking out for me but I couldn't see that then. And all because I chose to make bad choices and not follow through with their wishes, when I was 13 years old I was molested and taken advantage of by my 29 year old cousin.(From the sperm donors side). Not only did he hurt me, his mom, my Aunt allowed him to do so. A mistake that I made will forever haunt me. My innocence stolen away. I know now as I am older that it was not my fault he did such a horrible thing but if I had only listened to the ones who loved me the most, maybe I wouldn't have put myself and my family through so much pain. For that, I am forever sorry. By the time I was 15, after the many court dates and having to encounter my abusers time and time again, they finally plead guilty and it was all over. But, it will never truly be over. It will be a memory that lives tucked down deep inside of me forever. It changed me. I rebelled.

So, yes, after some time of getting into trouble, rebelling, and poor choices... I ran away from home. I stayed with people I didn't even know. I was scared. I was hungry. But I kept running. Until I only had one option left...I turned to him. The sperm donor. I lived with him, his girlfriend and her children for a couple years. I watched as he did the very things to her that I had remembered him doing to my mom. He was never mean to me when I was younger...that I remember. But he was this time around. It only happened once. A hard back hand to the face and a fear that I had never felt before. Needless to say, I do not see or speak to him anymore. He is not at all welcome in my life!

I then found myself in a very abusive relationship with my teenage boyfriend. I will never understand why I let myself go through those things. The hits. The bruises. The hair pulling. The harsh words. The scars I carry with me. I have been beaten, bruised, knocked down, and nearly ruined... But one thing, I always get back up. After finding Ray, I know what true love is and what a true man is. I know what I deserve because he shows me every day. I am thankful for him. 

I eventually made my way back home, to my family. My Mom. My Dad. My baby Sister. The family I had missed so very much. None of us were the same anymore. Me leaving and them having lost their daughter for some time changed us all. But it made us all closer than we had ever imagined we could be. And shortly after, Ray and I found one another too! I will always hate the years we missed out on and all that I had went through in the time I was away. And what I put them through as well. But it made me grow up. It helped me see the world and realize what I had was not so bad. I will never regret the fact that I learned so very much being on my own for a few years. Or that it brought me closer to my family who I will never leave again. We all have each other. We share a bond and love that can never be broken. I couldn't imagine my life without any one of them. I wouldn't have all that I have today if it weren't for all of them. It's amazing the things some of us go through, the things we think, at the time are the most horrible things we've ever endured, yet they truly aren't. And somehow, some way...we recover. Sometimes there is a beautiful ending to a tragic story. And sometimes...we simply just find ourselves along the way.

I will write again soon.

Update on the family.

It's been a good day. Playing. Seeing Daddy on lunch. Eating Bananas, again. He's been napping, that's how I am able to write. ;-) Ray and I are doing good as well. Waiting for the weekend to come so that we can all spend the days together. I miss him now that he is back to working and so does Zaydon. :-( But he takes good care of us and it just makes for more special of a time when he is home with us. I may not write for a few days since I have written so much in the last couple days. But, I will be back... with more story. Have a beautiful day! 

**As Ray and I have already decided when Zay is old enough we will tell him he is adopted. We couldn't possibly keep that from him. We want him to know who we are to him but also to always let him know if he decides to find out about his Birth Parents, we have his back and will walk beside him through his journey. And we will honor that always. Not all birth families are evil like mine. In my heart I believe that not only does he deserve to know where he came from but also they deserve to know what they did for him and for us. We will leave the choice to him to make. I can only hope he will understand it all and not feel any pain from it. I truly hope he sees and always knows how very special he is and how much our entire family loves him. And that no matter what, same blood or not, we are and have always been his Mama and Dad. His Family.** <3

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2-12-18

Parenting. It came easy for Ray and I. Not because we had done it before for such a short time but, because it was all we had wished for for so long. I believe all the hoping, dreaming, and fighting for it made us the kind of parents we are today to little Zaydon. We aren't perfect parents and we will never be. But we are his parents and we now live to give him the best life possible. There will be mistakes made and hard times, I am sure of it. But isn't that all a part of being parents? To live and to learn. To guide and to love. To teach discipline and respect. To help and to hold. We will be all those things for Zaydon. And, I also know that in the long run, no matter however angry he gets with us in our future for a decision we made or a lesson we taught, he will one day be forever grateful for it and us. I know that I am to my parents. It took me many years and a lot of growing up to finally realize it, but I did. It is all part of living and learning.

For so many years I had imagined what it would be like to be a Mom. To watch Ray be a Dad. It might sound funny to some but I looked forward to the diaper changing, the late night feedings, and being so tired I could barely move. I longed for that. I couldn't understand why we didn't deserve it. But, what I failed to see is that what we deserved, what deserved us...hadn't even been thought of yet. I look at our Zaydon Michael and all I can ever think is that we were meant to be his Mama and Daddy. I couldn't imagine life without him. And as Donna Fargo would say, "I am the happiest girl in the whole USA!"

Zay is growing and learning so fast. It is truly amazing. He is trying his hardest to roll over, he's not quite there but almost. He is definitely developing his own little personality. I love it. Happiness. Growing. Anger. Sadness. Learning. All of it. We get to be a part of his life journey...and we get to experience everything with him. I am in awe of our boy. And to watch his Dad with him absolutely melts my heart beyond anything I could have ever imagined myself.

I look back on all our years of pain and struggling. The horrible words that the doctor had spoke to us years before. The losses we have taken. The sleepless nights we have had. All the damage to our hearts. And...I have finally came to some kind of closure. I have heard some say, "Don't they still wish they could have their OWN child too though?" Our own child!? Zaydon is our own child. No, I will never know the feeling of life growing inside of me. But I have life growing in my arms...and nothing can compare to that. Yes, I will forever keep a sadness and pain deep inside my heart from being born with something that made it impossible for myself to make or carry a baby. But I have closure now; it's all because of our son. We're whole. I don't quite know where all my sadness went but it surely isn't with me anymore. I will never be cured of Endometriosis, Pain, or Infertility...But I am forever cured of my broken heart! 

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2-13-18

During our battle with Infertility, my little sister fell pregnant. Her and her fiance had decided to start trying shortly after we had lost our Journi. It took them about three months to conceive. Mind you, I was completely terrified that she would have issues like we did. I was more than scared and heartbroken that she may possibly have inherited this awful disease as well. My little sister is and has always been one of my best friends...even though we fight like no other. When she found out she was pregnant she came to me first, after having told the father of course. When she came, she came doubtful yet ecstatic! She couldn't believe the test really said POSITIVE. I had to assure her time and time again, you're having a baby! 

I still remember the feelings I felt that very day. Every last one of them. I felt extreme excitement that I would be an Aunt again. I felt ever so happy for my little sister being able to experience this joyful event in her life. I felt proud that she chose to tell me first. But, I also felt sad. I felt left out. I felt what I had felt many times before when loved ones would announce their pregnancies. I didn't want to feel all those things during this time but I honestly just could not help it one bit. She wasn't aware of how I felt because I had only let my happiness out for her sake. But...when she left my house, she text..."I am so sorry for hurting you, for bringing my positive pregnancy test to show you but I wanted you to know first!" I assured her, none of the pain I felt was at all her fault. And I was more than happy for her. But for the first few weeks after her pregnancy announcement, she would text me occasionally and ask if I were doing okay; if I was upset with her for getting pregnant. NO! Never could I be upset with her for wanting what we so badly wanted and fought for every day; getting just that. Never could I be angry that she gets to experience motherhood. Never could I want her to suffer the way we had for so long. I was beyond happy for her but like I said before, I grieved for us at the same time. 

It was hard yet it was exciting. I did good though, as far as I believe anyway. Remember when I said before that I had avoided baby showers, well, are you ready for this!? I planned and attended hers! I set my feelings aside for her and the baby. I had to. I wanted to. I was proud of myself for it. I absolutely couldn't wait to meet my very first nephew! :-) Yes, she had a baby boy! Which is quite ironic because her little guy and our little guy are only four months apart! Close cousins! I cannot wait for them to run around together one day soon. 

Not only was our family blessed with one beautiful baby boy in May of 2017, we were also blessed with a second beautiful baby boy in September of 2017. Isn't that amazing? I had always worried and felt guilty that I couldn't give our parents the grandchildren they so badly wanted and deserved. The joy of spoiling the little ones and then sending them home. The fullness in their hearts when hearing "Gamma, Gammy, and Papa". The birthdays. The Christmases. All of it. But now, they have that times TWO! 2017 turned out to be an amazing year for us all. Two blessings. Two adorable little boys to add to our family. Two smiles who light up everyone's days. Two of EVERYTHING. Two forever's. And an unbelievable, unimaginable amount of love and happiness between us all...

Update:

Despite my many Endo pains I have been feeling lately...Life is good. Tomorrow is Valentines Day. I have two Valentines this year. <3 We bought Zaydon a stuffed lion w red hair, two outfits, a new teether, and a red Monkey who sings a cute little song to the beat of  "Can't touch this". We also got our nephew that same little monkey. I couldn't resist it. Go figure. :-) My parents bought Zay a couple outfits, two little light up noise making toys, a frog puppet that he absolutely loves, and an adorable little hat that says, "Grandpa's lil Sidekick."So, I'd say he has had a pretty good 1st V-Day...even though it hasn't even came yet. Haha. He's spoiled to no end. But that's okay, he deserves it. We love him too much!

Today, I had a "Proud Mama" moment...and it just goes to show, it's the little things that you learn to cherish. Zaydon took his morning nap in his own room, in his crib, for the very first time ever...with no issues. I was super proud of him. I always am. Ray and I are working on introducing him to his room and bed so that when the time comes that he will sleep in there, he will be adjusted and comfortable with it. 

Bananas and oatmeal was for lunch today. He is eating much better than he ever has. Funny thing, he grabs my hand that holds the spoon and pulls it towards his mouth, opens, and takes his bite. Not even 6 months old yet...He is moving along just fine. I am hoping with my next writing and update I can include that he has rolled over for the very first time. We will see. Fingers crossed. 

Ray is out of town for the day, taking a seminar for his job. I am so proud of him and how far he has come with this. He truly loves it. And he is always willing to learn more. He is one of their hardest workers and I think they pretty much like him too. I am happy for him, he deserves all he has and all that is to come with it. I miss him when he is on the road for weeks and months at a time but I know this is what he wants to do and I would never ask him to walk away from that. I have always been a firm believer in loving the career you choose...why else would you choose it? 

Nap time is almost over, I am almost certain of it. I will write soon. Thanks for taking the time to be a part of my Blog; following our Journey. Take care and have a beautiful day!

**MARCH IS ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH!! (It will be here before we know it)

PLEASE CLICK THE BUTTONS I HAVE CREATED TO LEARN MORE ABOUT IT**

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2-15-18

There are two things I'd like to start with today. First, I hope that you all had a wonderful Valentines Day. I know we sure did. I awoke at 6am to a dozen roses, a beautiful card, & two big bags of my favorite candies. My sister and I and our two boys went to have lunch with our Grammy at the nursing home. Then, for dinner, Ray took us out to Applebees! It was amazing. All in all I'd say Zaydon's very first V-Day was a pretty good one. :-)

Secondly, I would like to send out my deepest sympathy for the families who have endured such a great pain from yesterdays school shooting in Florida. I have to say, such a sad tragic day for so many; for America as a whole. Children taking lives. The lives of children being taken. My only hope is that they keep their main focus on the families, children, staff, and community during these times...and not use this tragedy as a way to babble and scream "Gun Control"! Wait, they have already started in on it! Guns were not to blame, the mentally deranged individual who made the decision to pick up the gun and use it for the sole purpose of causing death and fear in the ones around him, is solely to blame.

A wise man once asked me, "When are they going to understand the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a gun?" How so very true. A person who is willing to cause harm to others is going to find a way, regardless of the weapon of choice or availability. This world has became scarier than it ever has been. Trying to take guns away from good, law-abiding citizens is only giving the criminals more reason to cause such horrific pain; putting us all in harms way. I can honestly say, that I would feel ten times better and more assured about sending our child to school if each teacher and staff member were allowed to carry a firearm. And maybe if this could happen in all states, there may not be less school shootings but, less fatalities and injuries in the situation. A solution.

I myself and my family are firm believers in the Second Amendment. To all my followers who may not agree with me, that is fine. I will always express my opinions and my beliefs. And I will never apologize for them. I want my family to always be safe and protected. Now, I am including a quote from our President Donald J. Trump... Think about it!

"Here’s another important way to fight crime – empower law-abiding gun owners to defend themselves. Law enforcement is great, they do a tremendous job, but they can’t be everywhere all of the time. Our personal protection is ultimately up to us. That’s why I’m a gun owner, that’s why I have a concealed carry permit, and that’s why tens of millions of Americans have concealed carry permits as well. It’s just common sense. To make America great again, we’re going to go after criminals and put the law back on the side of the law-abiding.

All of the tragic mass murders that occurred in the past several years have something in common – there were red flags that were ignored. We can’t allow that to continue. We need to expand treatment programs, because most people with mental health problems aren’t violent, they just need help. But for those who are violent, a danger to themselves or others, we need to get them off the street before they can terrorize our communities. This is just common sense. And why does this matter to law-abiding gun owners? Once again, because they get blamed by anti-gun politicians, gun control groups and the media for the acts of deranged madmen. When one of these tragedies occurs, we can count on two things: one, that opponents of gun rights will immediately exploit it to push their political agenda; and two, that none of their so-called “solutions” would have prevented the tragedy in the first place. They’ve even admitted it. We need real solutions to address real problems. Not grandstanding or political agendas."

I have always been concerned about my families safety but now that I am a mother, it brings a whole new meaning to the word. I have to one day, send our child out into this world. This world of ignorant people. A world full of hate and crime. This world of people trying to take away the right for others to protect my child if I am not around to do so. I am not okay with that. How could anyone be? I also want him to have the right to defend and protect himself, as well as others if need be. I want to have some kind of closure that our son is protected outside of our care as well as in. The same goes for our Husbands and Wives. Our Mothers and Fathers. Our Sisters and Brothers. Our Nephews and Nieces. Our Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins. Our loved ones.

I feel like this writing was appropriate after the heartbreaking tragedy that occurred yesterday. Even though it was not in our hometown, it very well could have been. Then what would we all do, set back and watch the Media and Liberals blame the gun; barely holding the actual person accountable for his awful acts of cruelness? We, as Americans, need to stand up and come together. Realize the very facts in front of you. Hold criminals 100% responsible for the crimes they commit. Fight to ensure that we keep our right to protect our loved ones. Stop crying "Gun Control" every time there is a saddening event like this...Be there for one another. Send thoughts and condolences. And for the sake of our children growing up in this world, our families, the people that are so dear to us....FIND A REAL SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM! 

My heart goes out to the people of Parkland Florida. 

Update:

Zaydon tried a new food today. Apples, Strawberries, & Banana. He absolutely loved it. He ate the entire container. :-D He is still trying so hard to roll over. He even actually gets angry when he can't. But I know he will get it in no time. He likes to listen to learning and nursery songs, as well as the different music that we all as adults listen to. I try my hardest to keep a routine. That's one of my OCD's. We also try different things every day. We jump in our jumper to strengthen our legs. We lay on our play-mat to help stretch and learn to roll and move freely. We alternate naps between our own crib, bouncy seat, and bassinet. We listen to music. We sing and dance together. We watch shows and movies. We read books. We have short periods of tummy time because he is not a big fan of it. But he has gotten better since he passed his Physical Therapy. He had Torticollis. We just do all sorts of different things. Not only do I do these things while we spend the day together, Daddy makes sure he does them too on his time off. This is what he needs. Not to sit and lay all day in one place. What would that be teaching him and getting him ready for? Nothing. I also teach him sign language. I think it is a good skill to acquire in his life. He, of course doesn't do any just yet but, they say that when a baby reaches 6 months of age their ability to learn is at its highest. These things are one of the greatest perks of having the privilege to stay home with our son...I know he is getting the love, care, and teaching he needs and deserves. I love it! And him! We wouldn't have it any other way...

I'll soon be back. Have a beautiful day!

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2-20-18

I have never looked at Zaydon and thought he is not a piece of me...because he very much is a piece of me. I am his Mother. He is my son. I have cared for him and loved him with all my heart since the day I met him; even before then. We have built memories with him. Shared our life with him. I guess you could honestly say, he has shared his life with us. Because without him, we wouldn't be who we are today. I absolutely could not imagine life without this amazing little guy. As each day passes, my heart only grows bigger in size. I am so very happy...we all truly are.

I, in a sense, just feel different than I ever have. I literally wake up each day with a smile on my face. And I didn't have that too often before him. Because of Endo, I feel a physical pain that is excruciating on some days, a lot of days really...but he still makes my days brighter. He is the reason behind everything we do. The reason I know I will NEVER let Endo win again. I will move on, with my head held high no matter what Endo brings. I will always fight. And I will teach our son to stand up for what he believes in; to never let life defeat him, to always remain strong in the worst of storms.

  Endometriosis has had a huge impact on my life for many, many years. It has caused me great pain, tremendous losses, and scars that will be with me forever. It is much more than just "Killer Cramps". I was only eleven when I had my first period. I remember being excited that I had finally become a "woman", and I did it before any of my friends. That excitement was soon cut short when I realized just how painful becoming a woman truly was. I was embarrassed to tell my Mom or my friends. I mean, we had taken classes in school on it, watching short videos about what all to expect. And my Mom came to sit with me through it...but for some strange reason I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I think back now and...It just seems down right silly to me. I honestly think a part of me felt like I was too young to be going through it, none of my friends were, so no one really talked about it. So, neither did I.

Maybe I should have talked about it back then. Starting my period at such a young age. The pain it caused me. The pain that I kept all to myself for such a long time. I thought it was normal what I was going through. I thought it was all apart of becoming a woman. I had no idea it meant ENDOMETRIOSIS! 

Later on, my Mom did figure it out. But I still didn't mention my pain to her. I went through my entire middle school years going to school in excruciating pain. Spending most of my time in the girls bathroom. Either because I was bleeding through my pants or could barely walk to my next class. It was awful. I don't know how I kept so much to myself. But I did. I eventually explained to my mom that I had bad periods. I didn't tell her the depths of my pains and struggles but she knew when that time of the month came, I was going to have to miss a few days of school.

I tried over the counter "period pills", they never helped. Heating pads. Hot baths. Nothing truly helped. There were things that would ease the pain some for a short time but I never did find anything that kicked it completely, or even enough, to this day still haven't. I have found myself curled up in a ball on the floor, in unbearable pain, more times than I can count, through the years. Endo not only causes me severe pain during my monthly but also every day pains as well. What us Endo women call our "Every day normal, less painful pains", are not normal at all but they have become so normal to us. They still hurt more than most could probably handle. But we handle it because we endure such a great deal of pain already.

Many don't understand it and I don't expect them to. It is a very complex disease. As we look fine, yet if you turned our bodies inside out, they would tell a totally different story. Sadly, we experience pain going to the bathroom, sitting, standing, during & after sex, during & after orgasms, during ovulation, before, during, & after menstruation. Infertility. Headaches. Back aches. Leg pains. Chronic fatigue. Nausea. Continuous bladder infections. ER visits. Numerous Surgeries. The list goes on. Our immune systems are weak and we're more susceptible to getting sick; getting extremely sick. We're are at greater risk for other auto-immune diseases and cancers. And there is NO CURE.

Scary. And painful. But, we do have good days. Better days than others. Our pain tolerance is out of this world. What we would call a slightly painful day, easier to function day, you would most likely call an extremely painful day, unbearable to be precise. It is amazing what we have grown accustom to. Actually, sad. None of us should have to suffer like we do. We not only battle our bodies every day, we battle the world...trying to get more recognition, more awareness, more medical research. We strive for compassion, care, belief, support, and one day, hopefully...A CURE. 

I have suffered from Endometriosis since I was 11 and I wasn't diagnosed until I was 25 years old. No one would listen to me. No one would look further into what was going on with my body. It is NOT normal. I am here to tell you, you know your body better than anyone, even a doctor, listen to it. Never settle for a diagnosis you doubt. Stand strong and stand your ground. Don't wait around for it to all go away because if you have Endometriosis, it will never go away. It will only continue to grow and take things from you that are so dear.  Endo does not discriminate one bit. You deserve REAL answers. You deserve a chance at having better treatment, if possible. A quicker diagnosis. Don't be ashamed to speak out. And speak loud. Be heard. 

Fortunately, despite all Endo has taken from us, despite our struggles and losses...Our dream did come true! And for that, I am ever so grateful. Never give up. Many people have asked me over the years, "How do you live in so much pain, how do you do it?"... My only response was, "What other choice do I have!" Now...my answer will forever be, "My Family!" They keep me strong and fighting! <3 

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2-21-18

Our failed adoption with Journi had left us lost and heartbroken beyond measure. But, as parents...as once being her parents, all we have ever wanted was for her to be taken care of; a life full of happiness and love. Just as we would've given her. Just as we did. It hurt like hell when she left us but, as a woman who had longed for a child for such an enormous amount of time, I could understand her Birth Mother wanting to parent. I didn't blame her for that. Not even one bit. I blamed her for how she did it, when she did it, and most of all, I blamed her for causing such a tremendous amount of pain for us when I later learned it could have very well been avoided. She confessed to me that she had actually changed her mind towards the end of her pregnancy. That she had really known she didn't want to give her up the minute she gave birth and heard her cry...

If she had only been honest with us from the moment she first had any doubts, like we had asked of her from the start, we and our loved ones would never have had to endure a pain so unbearable. Sure, we would've been heartbroken. We would've been devastated. It would have been awful to have been expecting and preparing for a baby to only be informed that it wasn't going to happen after all. We would've absolutely taken a loss...But...nothing like the pain we endured having lost a daughter when she was just 20 days old. 

(I cannot express enough how amazing Zaydon's Birth Parents are. We are ever so grateful for their selfless act. Thank you for keeping your promises to us. Thank you for our beautiful Zaydon. Thank you for the happiness you have given us. Thank you for not breaking our hearts but healing them. Thank you! You're a part of our journey...and without you two, there would've never been a happy ending. If you're reading this, please know, you're our angels. And Zay is our world. He is happy. He is healthy. He is loved beyond anything you could imagine. We are a Family...and it's because of you. Much love. <3 )

Journi will be 2 years old on April 4th this year. Seems weird that it has been two years already. We never have seen her again. Pictures, yes. She seemed to be doing well and being taken care of. Which eased our worries some. But today I heard something that hit my heart...the birth mother may be back to her old ways again and may not even have Journi in her care any longer. As to where she may be, I do not know. As someone who once called herself her mother, I cannot help but to be saddened by this news.

We will always carry with us, a love for that little girl. We have kept her photos in our home, around our house. We have kept a keepsake box and shadow box of some of her belongings. We have kept her memory alive. We remember her as what she was when she was with us. We will forever hope for her to have a beautiful life filled with ever-lasting love. As we know that she is no longer ours or even the same as we once knew her to be, we will have always had, loved, and lost a daughter named Journi Kay.

I can only hope that she is receiving the love and care that she deserves. I will always hope for that for her. And maybe one day, we might see her again...or maybe we won't. Either way, we will never forget her. She is forever in our hearts.

I sometimes sit and ponder on how we will explain her to Zaydon one day. How he will take it. Will he understand. Will he be upset that we had been adopting another child before him. I think, at times, I look too hard into things. I just want him to always know that even though we may keep her tucked away deep inside our hearts and she may have been our first...she was our first daughter. He is our first son. Our one and only. Our everything. Our always and forever. The two can never be compared. She, a loss that will forever be in our hearts. He, a beautiful miracle that will forever be in our arms. 

"Mama and Daddy love you Zaydon Michael Dilley, more than we have ever loved anything in our entire lives! You're our world...and we wouldn't change that for anything. Never forget it!" <3<3<3

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Little Update:

Zay and I spent part of the day at "The Gammas & The Papas"(my parents) house with them and "Cousin Joey". We had a pretty good time. I enjoyed spending time with them and getting to play with both the boys. They're both growing so fast. And talk about two totally different personalities. They crack me up. Both spoiled to no end too. :-) 

Zay has learned how to make a popping noise with his mouth. Daddy has been teaching him since he was a couple months old. It's just something between the two of them; it melted my heart when I saw Zaydon do it for the first time, he tried so hard too. It was absolutely adorable. I literally am in awe of him each and every day. By the looks of it, so is Ray. <3

We're doing pretty good other than some Endo issues for me but that is nothing new! It's about to be that time of the month, so the pain flares up. On a better note, we are hoping to take a little trip here soon, our first family vacation. Ray has been working hard lately, here in town. And he will soon be back out on the road again. That, I am not looking forward to and I am sure neither is Zaydon. But, it won't be for too awful long, we will have weekends, visits, and then he will be right back with us. And shortly after, Zay will be having his very 1st Birthday! WOW! :-D

Speaking of birthdays...I turn the BIG "30" next month. March 23rd. I can't even believe it really. 30! :-S Where has the time gone? Ray teases me, saying I am going to be an old lady. Haha. Thanks....

30 years of living, learning, loving, and wisdom right here ya'll.... I'll take it. ;-)

Have a wonderful day....see ya soon. 

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2-27-2018

Addiction. It took hold of some of the closest people to me...it changed them. As a person who has felt like she has hit rock bottom herself, I don't understand it. I never will. I didn't pop a ton of pills. I didn't pick up a bottle. I didn't use a needle. I didn't smoke a pipe. I didn't turn to anything that would cause an addiction. I just didn't. I know that it is different for everyone, and some have more will power than others but...I set back and watch as one single drug (And I am sure others too) has stolen the lives of some that I grew up with. Some I called family, that will never be that to me again. I watch them choose that very drug over their husbands or wives. Their children. Their family. Their life as a whole.

I know that addiction is real, very real. I have watched it consume people that I never thought it would. I have watched some overcome it as well. It seems that's mostly what you hear about these days, especially in our own hometown. It's scary. It's heartbreaking. It is disgusting. I am not perfect by no means. I was once a teenager and young adult. I did things, yes. But, never did I even think about doing the drugs that are so common today. Never did I let any of it consume me. Never did I think that some of the closest people to me would either. Never could I have imagined I would no longer be friends with or in contact with those who chose that unthinkable path in life. Some I despise for it. Some I worry about and miss. And some, I just cut out of my life completely and will never look back. 

Drugs took over my older brother. And they did many, many years ago. I watched as he slipped away and became a person not even he truly knows anymore. It turned him into something I never would have thought he could be. Growing up, my brother was my best friend. He always had my back and I his. As the years went by and he started using...he no longer protected me as a big brother should. It was him I needed protected from. I have given him more chances than I can count, more than he deserved...I didn't want to believe he had become that person. But now, I know that is what he is, who he is, and it will never be any different. I rid him from my life. I no longer feel sadness and pain from it. It is no longer a loss to me. The way I look at it, he chose his life, this life. He had every opportunity to be different. I don't like excuses. "They have went through some bad things so they turned to it." "They were molested as a child that is why they do it to others." Bullshit!! Just excuses. All the ones who have wronged people, hurt people, hurt themselves, and went down the path of destruction...they have all had a choice from the very beginning. Point blank...the truth! 

We have rid many from our life...And like I said...somethings can never be forgiven or forgotten...and never will be. Their loss...Never ours.

Update:

Sorry I haven't written in a few days. Been busy with Ray and Zaydon. :-) I'd also like you all to know, most days I just write what I am thinking or what has been on my mind lately. Addiction is everywhere. But I do believe with all my heart, people have a choice in it. I did not mean to offend anyone who may have an addiction, been a victim of addiction, or love someone who has one. I am writing from my personal experience with having been "beat up" more times than one, by a drug that I have never even used before...

We're all doing well. Zaydon is still growing like a weed and happier than ever. Us too. Not the growing part...haha. His 6 months shots are coming soon...my oh my! Life is good. My pain has eased up some, that is always amazing. Planning our first family vacation. Can't wait. So, if I don't write for some time, that is why. I am relaxing, having fun with my family, and making forever memories. But, I will tell all about it when I return. And of course will try my best to upload some photos from it. 

Zay and I enjoyed this beautiful day, hope you all did as well. Thanks for following. See ya soon!

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3-1-18

Today starts the first day of Endometriosis Awareness Month! The entire month of March is dedicated to achieving as much awareness, recognition, support, and understanding on this disease as we can. Normally, I would be flooding Facebook with all sorts of Endo related posts, educating on the disease, and turning my wall YELLOW...but as you all know, I no longer have a facebook so my "audience" is limited. I can only hope that I can still make an impact on my followers and that I can count on each one of you to help me in spreading awareness for this life altering disease that so many of us suffer with. Here is how you can help and show your support...

*Make your profile and/or cover photo YELLOW or Endo related for the entire month of March. (Yellow is the color of our Endo Awareness Ribbon)

*Encourage others to also change their profile and/or cover photos to something yellow. 

*Educate yourself on Endometriosis and then share your knowledge with your Friends, Family, and the Facebook world.

*Wear Yellow as much as possible and tell people WHY you're wearing it.

*Talk about it. If you do not understand something, ask a question.

*Show care and compassion.

*Learn about & research our Worldwide Endo March on the 24th of March, 2018.

*Lead others to my Blog.

*Always remember it is not your sympathy we want or need...it is your understanding, belief, & support.

Endo Awareness Month Fact:

{Many believe having a hysterectomy is the cure to Endometriosis.

That is NOT true.

Endometriosis, unfortunately, has NO cure.}

Join me and my 176+ amazing EndoSisters in turning the month of March YELLOW! <3

"If chronic pain were given a medal, we'd be wearing a crown!" -A.D

Zaydon says "Hi"... and asks everyone to please wear yellow & show support for his Mama like he will be. ;-)

Have a beautiful day! See ya again soon!

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3-9-2018

Vacation was amazing. We just returned back last night, after being gone for almost a week. Our very first family vacation...it was a huge success. Zaydon did so well...given we went on many long car rides. We ventured to Colorado, then to Utah, then to Nevada. We stayed in a little town called Laughlin, at a Resort & Casino Hotel. Which sat right at the Colorado River. Clear, beautiful water. I have never seen a river so beauitful before. It was about 70 degrees or warmer every day. We all enjoyed the sun as much as possible. Our visit to Las Vegas was pretty memorable as well. Zay loved looking at all the different and new things going on around him. He was so good too. Mama and Daddy are super proud of our little guy. We truly enjoyed ourselves, it was good to get away, just the three of us.

We then went through Arizona, New Mexico, and Kansas to make our way back home. Zay just turned 6 months old and has already visited 6 different states. :-) We took many photos so he can see it all one day. As we had a blast and it is always good to just get away from the every day life, we are all glad to be home. And we will most likely venture again next year, to somewhere new. <3 Check out my photos below, there has been an update.

I am going to call it quits tonight, but I will write again soon. Have to get back into my normal routines. I am ready to write again, as I have missed it. I just have a lot going on in my mind at the time and trying to wind down from our trip. I need to loosen up before I can write my stories again. I wanted to give all my followers an update, I haven't written in awhile due to our vacation. Hope you all undersand and will continue to follow my stories.

Have a wonderful evening and remember, March is Endometriosis Awareness Month! I will be writing about it again soon...and for the rest of the month. Help us spread awareness and educate others on this horrible disease. We need all the help we can get...and it's more appreciated than you can ever truly know.

**Every time someone signs up to receive news letters from SpeakEndo.com , a donation is made to our foundation. Check out the website and sign up, I did!**

See ya soon!

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3-15-2018

I apologize that I have not been writing too much lately. Have a lot going on at the time being. But, please don't stop following me. I am still here and will be writing again soon.  I would like to share with you some of my poems and writings I have written in the past. I will try to include 1 per blog post. You will find one poem below my update.

Update: We're all still doing amazing. Zaydon is growing like a weed...and learning more and more every day. So proud of him. He is 6 months old now...and we have his six month shots tomorrow. We are anxious to see what little man weighs at his doctor appointment...he is quite a chunker. 😍 I never, in a million years, imagined we could be so happy, but it is so awesome! I took Zay for a walk earlier, it was beautiful out today and he LOVES the outdoors. I cannot wait for nice weather all the time...we will have so much fun. He has pretty much rolled over all the way, just has one problem...he can't quite figure out how to get his one arm out from under him. He will get it though! He enjoys all the different kinds of baby foods we feed him. And what tastes of our foods we give him too. He hasn't seemed to be too picky yet. He has started drinking juices as well...oh how he likes his juices. :-) He is just doing wonderful really...every day with him is a miracle. There just are no words to explain the love we have for this little guy. And I pretty much think he is pretty damn fond of us too! <3<3<3  #ForeverFamily

My Fight (2013)

My scars are deep,
They won't seem to fade.
The secrets I keep,
I hide them in the shade.
Morning after morning,
I wake up with pain.
Never a warning,
Nothing to gain.
You can't see,
I look fine.
It's a battle inside me,
You only hear my whine.
I've tried to stay strong,
But, I am slipping away.
Everything seems to go wrong,
I am living day to day.
A part of me wants to give in,
And just let it all go.
But, I won't let you win,
I'll fight you all the way, Endo!

Written by Amanda Dilley ©Copyright 2013

Check out this link below...Patient Day for Endometriosis is going to be LIVE on Facebook on March 18th, which is this Sunday!!

https://www.endofound.org/patientday 

ENDO AWARENESS MONTH

Endo Fact:

Women/Girls with a Mother, Aunt, Sister, or Cousin that has been diagnosed with Endometriosis have a 7 times greater chance of having it themselves. It is hereditary. Stay educated. Stay alert. Stay focused. Don't be afraid to speak up. If in doubt...ASK!

Talk soon!  Enjoy your weekend!

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3-16-2018

Update: Zaydon had his 6 month appointment today. He did amazing with his shots; still is. He's such a big boy! He now weighs 18 pounds 8 ounces & is 26.5 inches long. The Dr says he is doing wonderful and right on track! 💖 We're proud of our little guy, as always. Just wanted to share our good news. We're going to enjoy our weekend together, hope you all do too. You will find I have also included one of my past writings/poems below...

Hope

A day, a night, an ongoing fight.
I struggle to accept that you may never be,
So, I hold you close, I hold you tight.
It's you, I wish I could see,
Your smile, your frown, the beat of your heart.
Living without you,
I am falling apart.
I'll never understand why you can't come true,
It's a feeling inside that I cannot explain.
I long for your touch each and everyday,
A feeling of emptiness, sadness, and pain.
Dreaming about you, will never go away,
I'll hold you in my heart,
Until I can hold you in my arms some day.

Written by Amanda Dilley ©Copyright 2013

Endo Fact:

Endometriosis affects 1 in every 10 women/girls. If you think something isn`t right, act on it. Do not think it is just normal...chances are, it is not!

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3-26-2018

On March 18th Zaydon rolled over from his tummy to his back for the very first time...we were stoked!!!! 😍 THEN.....on March 19th...he rolled over from his back to his tummy for the very first time!!! All in TWO days he accomplished two milestones! I cried. My little boy is growing up so fast. Definitely proud Mama & Daddy moments!!! He now can also hold his own bottle to eat!!!🥇✨🎆 Zay is just such a smart little guy. We are experiencing moments that we thought we never would. Things we longed for. Things we dreamt about for so many years. We are more than living our dream. I will never be able to explain the feeling...only that it feels more right than anything in our life ever has.

The 23rd was my Birthday. Big ole 30!! Yikes! 😮 Eh, it's not too bad. Just another year older and wiser. Seems strange sometimes when I think about it though...I am 30! Ray paid for me to get a new tattoo as my birthday gift from him and Zay. I finally got my "Zaydon Michael" tattoo. 💗 I absolutely love it!!! Thank you Babe and Zaydon! I love you both BIG TIME! I also received money, cards, wishes, dinners, lunches, and my favorite cake...dirt cake! Thank you to all my loved ones who made my 30th the happiest and best one yet. Lots of love to you too.

I have included one of my past writings as well. Enjoy. I will try my hardest to write again soon...life has been busy lately.

Everyone have a beautiful day.

Check out the new photos I have uploaded...one is my new Tattoo. My tattoo is a symbol of a Mother and Son with the infinity sign. There is a puzzle piece with a heart to represent that he is our missing piece. I designed the tattoo. It truly has special meaning. Ray is going to get a Zaydon tattoo soon too.

Here is another older poem I wrote.

Glory

Another day of pain,
A feeling of nothing to gain.
Another day of fears,
A face of my falling tears.
Another day of guilt,
A future being rebuilt.
Another day of sorrow,
A friend, I need to borrow.
Another day of sadness,
A time of madness.
Another day of being Me,
A person you cannot truly see.
Another day of smiles,
A disguise for my Endo styles.
Another day of coping,
A miracle is all I'm hoping.
Another day to tell My Story,
And let Endo win all the Glory....

Amanda Dilley©Copyright 2014

Our 5th Worldwide EndoMarch was on the 24th. I was unable to attend again this year but Zay and I wore our Yellow to show our support. I will attend one at some point in my life. I have also been trying to find links to videos or information on how the march went but I haven't yet. When I do I may post some. After all, it is still Endometriosis Awareness Month!! Shout Out to All My Sisters Worldwide!!!! Much love to my EndoSisters!!!! Stay strong & keep fighting. I am with you all the way!!! 💛

💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

3-27-2018

I am angry. I am saddened. I am beyond irritated. Our Worldwide Endometriosis March was on the 24th of March. It had been planned since last year some time. We have been having these walks for five years now. These walks are important in gaining awareness for our very unrecognized disease. In helping us fight for not only support from our Doctors and our community as a whole, but also to raisefunds to help find the adequate medical treaments we so badly need and deserve...and in hopes to find a cure. It gives us women the chance to SPEAK & be HEARD!!

We were robbed of our recognition this year. The "March for Our Lives" took that from us. I have been trying to wrap my head around WHY they would plan their march on the very same day that we were having ours...in Washington, which is where one of ours took place. You could have chosen any other day. Any other day to fight for your petty Gun Control...How ignorant. We needed this day. We needed the news coverage. We DESERVED it...but we didn't get it...you did. I have been searching and searching for news feed, youtube videos, anything pertaining to our EndoMarch. But I find nothing much just numerous clips from your march. That is so unfair.

No one is saying your lives do not matter. Because they do. No one is saying that school shootings aren't real and need to stop. Because they are and they most definitely do. But...crying for gun control and blaming the weapon, is just not the answer. And, I am more than disgusted that your walk about those foolish things, took away from ours. We needed that day and you selfishly took that from us.

Before someone misreads what I am saying...I am not at all saying our lives are more important. I am just saying, even though I do not believe in the reasoning behind your walk, you just should have chosen a different day from ours. We should have been important enough for someone to speak up and say the EndoMarch has been planned on this day for a year...make it a different day. No one did that. That makes me angry. We matter. We are important. And our disease needed the awareness. We were robbed.  So until next year..........

I needed to let that all out. It has been bothering me for a few days now.

Will write soon. Have a wonderful evening.

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4-2-2018

Today, as I sit and ponder on my childhood years. I grieve the tremendous loss of a true and amazing loved one. Late last night, Easter Sunday...we said goodbye to our dear "Grammy". As five of us girls sat next to her bedside, holding her hands, rubbing her head, kissing her, telling her we loved her, Dorothy decided it was time let go. She took her last breath at 11:57pm on April 1st 2018. We're ever so heartbroken.  We took a great loss but, Heaven took an incredible gain...

Grammy just turned 96 years old on March 15th. She lived a long and beautiful life. She knew love and she knew what Family truly meant; that's because of all of us. Blood did not make us family to this amazing woman but LOVE sure did. I met this lady when I was just a three year old little girl; she was a 70 year old lady. I did something that I was not at all suppose to do...and that was take candy from a stranger. Let me tell you, that was the BEST wrong thing I have ever done in my entire life. We gained an amazing, life-long friend and Grammy! I have never before experienced being present when someone has taken their very last breath...As it absolutely broke my heart to say "Good-Bye", I know she is no longer in pain and we will both always know I held her hand as her spirit left this world, as she flew high above us to forever happiness.

I don't think anyone will ever truly understand just what this beautiful old woman meant to us. 26years...that is true friendship. She most definitely made an impact on each one of our lives. All I keep seeing is her sitting in her chair, laughing at us for something silly we did. The memories. The love. The forever that we will always hold dear. She now lives on in the depths of our hearts.

Just as I told you yesterday Grammy, I will NEVER forget you...I will love you FOREVER! Rest Now. 

We will love and miss you always!

Rest In Peace & Fly High Dorothy Lee Low Imlay "3-15-1922 -- 4-1-2018"

To my very first ever Best Friend.....I love you...See you soon.💔

If you would like to visit the obituary page that my sister and I have created for her justcopy and paste the link below:

https://www.forevermissed.com/dorothy-lee-low-imlay/

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4-18-2018

I would like to apologize for not writing for awhile lately. I have had a lot going on. But Ray, Zaydon, and I are doing great, still. Zaydon is growing, growing, growing. He will be 8 months old shortly. It's absolutely insane. He is now rolling over every which way. And has been holding his own bottle for a few months now. I work with him daily on sign language, reading books, and learning. He loves his nursery rhyme videos. :-) He is just amazing. We truly fall in love more and more every single day. Life is so much better because of our Zaydon Michael. <3

Now I will write...

I am stronger than I think.

Tonight is a bit of a rough night for me. Unfortunately, Endo is seeming to win this one. I feel a pain that is so deep it hits my feet. It is nights like this one that I cry, begging for some sort of relief. But it never comes. As this pain runs through my body like a billion needles on fire, I just breathe. In and out. Imagine  your body attacking you. Imagine that your legs no longer work because the pain you feel is so intense you cannot walk. Your entire body goes completely numb other than the incredible pain that you still feel. You can't rest because of it but you're drained, exhausted, and entirely worn out . It never sleeps.

A pain so strong, so intense, and so fierce that you imagine this must be what death feels like. Heating pad set on the highest setting, leaving you red and burnt. Pain pills that don't even touch it. Imagine spending your night curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor because you're crying so hard, so loud that you don't want to wake your husband or son.

Now, imagine that you feel all of these things at an intensity times 10. You feel them, yet you put all your pain aside best you know how so that you can take care of who or what needs it. Pretending you're okay. All the while it feels like your insides are being ripped out, jammed back in, and then ripped out again. Set on REPEAT! But you keep strength, even though you have no clue how. When Endo clearly wins, you never give up.

Tonight I hurt a hurt that I can only try to describe. This pain will slowly ease within the next couple of days. Then, it will be back to my tolerable pains. Normal women probably fear the arrival of their period because it just simply means "that time of the month" to them. I fear my period because it means the monster inside me has been unleashed yet again. It means numerous pains that I have not learned to tolerate and never will. It means I have to fight a battle that I can never win. I hate nights like these. I cannot wait for tomorrow to come, even though the intense pain will not be gone yet...but my son will be awake, ready to cuddle and make his mama smile. And that is one thing that Endo can never take from me!

I have also included a past writing.

Monster

Sometimes the pain I feel can be so cruel. Almost like I have no say in my own life. Like there is nothing left for me to decide. Nothing more for me to do; set back & let the devil inside my body make its mark. It's my body, but why do I feel like I'm just along for the ride? Why is it me battling against myself? Who truly wins that war... Because I am beginning to see, it's not me. It chooses when I sleep, when I wake, what I feel, when I smile, when I cry, when I'm angry, when I can laugh.... It has chosen my past, my present, and my future, with no input from me whatsoever. I live my life to please it or I pay the consequences. I look forward to a day when it sleeps and I can be myself, who I want to be, not who it has chosen me to be. Most of you have monsters that live under your beds or even inside your heads. I live with a monster growing inside my body only becoming stronger and more powerful by the day... A monster who overpowers any medication, any treatment, & its host! A monster I dread to wake up to every morning and fear to sleep with every night.... You look at me & I seem fine, what you fail to see is I have a monster growing inside me!

 Amanda Dilley ©Copyright 2013

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4-26-2018

Update:

Zay loves the outdoors. We have been going on walks lately. Ray and I can't wait until he can run and play outside. He eats pretty much anything we feed him, he even loves garlic pickles (the juice of course). We haven't made it to his 9 month check up yet to find out what he weighs now. Our appt is in June, but I bet he weighs a good 20 pounds or more. He has grown so fast. He is a very good baby but he does have a bit of an attitude sometimes. He definitely has a mind of his own. He has also been doing well with taking time to play in his room without us around. We're trying to slowly introduce him to different things. He recently learned that he can stick his toes in his mouth. He pretty much switched up his bedtime schedule on me. Don't get me wrong, he sleeps through the entire night still. Thankfully! But he now wants to be in bed between 7pm-8pm and wakes between 5am-6am...or earlier. Zaydon wakes up with a huge smile on his face every day, as do we. Imagining being parents doesn't do justice to actually being them...not even close. <3 :-)

Now I write again...

I normally write about what I am feeling on that particular day or the thoughts that have ran through my mind. Wonder what kind of reaction I would get if I wrote about how I see someone else and how I think they feel. Lets see...

I sometimes put myself in other peoples shoes. Tonight, I am going to walk in Journi's birth mother's. I am going to imagine what possibly goes through her mind, two years later. Yes, that is right. I am not sure if many even knew what the other day was but it is a day I will never forget. April 24th...the day we lost our baby girl. I don't talk about it much anymore. Now that we have our amazing son, I feel I need to let go somewhat. That I need to stay focused on the incredible thing that we now have. And I truly have done that. Like I said before, I can no longer wonder why everything happened the way it did. But, I will always hurt from it. We will have always had a daughter that we lost. And a son that we have always deserved.

Zaydon stole my heart the day he was born and he only makes it fuller each and every day. But, Journi took a piece of my heart with her the day she left us. When she first left and for quite some time after, I still felt as if I were her Mom. Not in a crazy woman way, but in a grieving mother way. In a way I couldn't explain to anyone unless you already knew what it felt like. I'm not her mom and I figured that out a long time ago, even before Zay came along. I was her mom at one small point in time and unfortunately the realest mother she will probably ever have. I love her and I always will. I feel bad and worry when I hear things about her mother, that she isn't doing what a mom should do for her. I will always remember her. And hope for her to have a beautiful life. But, she's not ours and she hasn't been since April 24th 2016.

Journi Kay floated away and embedded herself in the depths of our hearts that night. That little girl now is not Journi, as hard as that has always been to accept. I accept it. I accept what happened. I now live for our son, not the pain of losing our daughter. I write about this because last month I came face to face with the young woman who had, at one point in time, destroyed me. This is where I step into her shoes...

"I just want you to know I am sorry Mandy." Standing face to face with the woman I took so much from nearly two years ago. All I can say is I am sorry. Sorry because of what I did to her and her husband. Sorry that I hurt them the way I did. Sorry that I didn't end up being the mother I thought I wanted to be. Sorry for my daughter Jayla, who now has a mother who has once again chosen drugs over her. Sorry that I took so much away from all three of them that day. Sorry because we were friends, family even. Sorry that I once told her to go kill herself, that she didn't deserve a child, and that she was too sick and disabled to ever take care of one. Sorry that I let others influence me so strongly. Sorry because all I could say was "sorry". I asked you how you were doing. You said you were good but did you mean it? Are you still broken and bruised from my actions? I was excited to see you that day, in the Dollar Tree. You weren't too friendly but you weren't as mean as I thought you might be. You tell me you don't have too much to f'ing say to me yet I know you do. All I could do was tell you I am sorry because I truly am, in every way you could possibly think of. I also realize that now that you have seen me, you can tell I am back into that unfit lifestyle. I am nearly skin and bones. My eyes are as dark as coal. I am jittery. I am clearly high out of my mind. All I can say is I am sorry. Because I am. I am sorry I even spoke, I probably only brought back the haunting past for you. You and Ray, are you okay? I hope one day you guys get the child you deserve. I hope that what I did can wither away with time. I saw the look on your face when you realized it was me yelling your name. I saw anger yet I saw something that I never thought I would see in you again, a brightness about you. I can't figure out why I am even walking up to you at this point but I can't turn back now. "I just want you to know I am sorry Mandy." And I just walk away with tears in my eyes...because I truly am sorry.

Back in my own shoes again. In my mind...that is how I see my encounter with her, from her point of view. I had so many things I wanted to say to her. To tell her just what I thought about her. To tell her Ray and I are FINE, we have our son that we deserve. Life is perfect. We have never been happier or more complete. I wanted to tell her his name is Zaydon and he is absolutely amazing. I wanted her to know the only reason she ran into me today is because I am shopping for our little boys Easter basket. I wanted her to see me as the Mom I am, not as the woman she had broken. But, all in one second Zaydon ran through my mind and he told me, "Mama, she doesn't deserve to know about me. About you and Daddy and how happy we are. That you're my amazing parents who have given me a love out of this world. She doesn't deserve to know you're whole now. That you smile every day. That we laugh and make beautiful memories together. She doesn't deserve to know anything Mama."

And I watched as her eyes filled with tears and she spoke the words, " I just want you to know I am sorry Mandy." Then she was gone. I was angry, sad, and every moment from that night Journi left replayed in my head. It hurt, but I realized I was okay. I am always going to be okay because of Zaydon. Not because he filled a void in my life. Or because he replaced Journi. He didn't. Zaydon made his own special place in my life. I am his Mother and have been since day one. No one has ever tried to take that from me. No one ever will. Our life began the day his did. He is the reason I wake up every morning and the reason I smile every single day. The beautiful reason I will never know emptiness again. He is my sunshine on a cloudy day. The beat of my heart. The twinkle in my eye. My forever. Never in my life have I loved another the way that I love him...The meaning behind being a Mother has never been so real to me. You didn't break me "MJ"..... Zaydon made me. I will always be okay, I am Zaydon Michael Dilley's Mama.  

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5-4-18

Update: Today our Zay turned 8 months old! WOW! He is growing too fast but we're loving every minute of it! Last week he started saying "DaDa" and hasn't stopped since. Ray absolutely loves it. And then he says "Mama" too just not quite as much...but melts my heart every single time I hear it. We never thought we'd hear those very words but here we are and it feels more than amazing. Zaydon also has teeth coming in. I know right! My little man is getting to be a Big Boy!

This Mother's Day is going to be my first. My first real Mother's Day. For so many years I have hated this day. It was like taking a huge punch to the gut about fifty times and then having to walk around with a fake smile on my face...and celebrate for the amazing women I have in my life. It was hard. One of the hardest days really. Year after year I was reminded of what everyone else had but me. The tears I have cried in silence on every Mother's Day could fill the ocean. The pain I have felt is off the charts.

This year is going to be different. This year and every year to come I will feel something I have never before felt. I am a Mother. I am going to be celebrated as one. I will be apart of something I have never known...I cannot wait for Mother's Day to come, to wake up to my son's gorgeous face. I don't need a gift or gifts, I have what I have always wished for. My gift on Mother's Day is being a Mama. Is my amazing son. Is knowing that our fight, our struggles weren't for nothing. They were for Zaydon. They were for days like this. Mother's & Father's Days. Christmases. Birthdays. Holidays. Every single day for the rest of our lives. When Ray and I got married we promised the world to each other, and even though we hit many sink holes on the way...we made it. He is our world.

Sometimes, I feel like this is all I write about...but honestly, what else is there? Zaydon & Ray are my life. I will always be grateful and thankful for the gift of them both. My Family is everything to me. Always and forever. This is our journey...I am just here to tell the world our story of forever happiness.

Everyone have a great weekend! We're taking Zay to his very first Apple Blossom Parade tomorrow. Can't wait to see how he reacts to it. I think he will love it. See...it's days like this... <3

I would also like if everyone would check out & share my websites I have created. Just copy and paste the links below:

rememberingwhenphotography.website2.me

smellgoodmelts.yolasite.com

dilleysjourney.yolasite.com

Thank you!

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5-21-18

Being parents has made us feel things in a different way. Good feelings and bad ones too. Last Wednesday we were introduced to a whole new fear we have never known before. Zaydon had to have a CT Scan on his head. The reasoning behind the scan was to check the growth of his skull. As I have talked about before, Zay has something called Torticollis. Which made it difficult for him to move his neck and head certain ways. We went to Physical Therapy a few months back. He passed with flying colors just after two weeks of PT. The therapist and our Dr. both told us that his head was growing the way it should again and he was now able to move his neck and head in all directions without an issue. That everything would be fine. We noticed a big difference in all those things as well. We were also told if we didn't notice changes in the growth of his head after a couple of months that our doctor would refer us to a Children's Mercy Specialist. Things weren't seeming to change too much, that we could tell any way. So we then asked for the referral. It didn't take long for the appointment to be made.

Last Wednesday we met with a plastic surgery specialist with Children's Mercy. He then ordered a CT Scan for Zay's head on the following Friday. His concerns were in the front of Zaydon's head where he had a small ridge and that one of his soft spots had closed prematurely.  He menitoned that in some conditions like these that there is a need for a surgery due to the fact there could possibly be pressure on the brain. When he spoke those words my mind wandered. I became terrified but I held it in. The specialist didn't seem worried that this would be the issue but he wanted to be sure to rule it out right off the bat. Come Friday, Zaydon experienced his very first CT Scan. This little guy did an amazing job. He laid perfectly still just looking up at the colored lights they had playing for him. Mind you, at this time he is also dealing with a cold virus and just isn't feeling too well at all. 

Results are in! The specialist is on the phone with me now. Good news! No pressure on the brain. There is plenty of room to grow. His head will be fine. We will need to do PT at home with him, to help with the Torticollis again. But other than that no concerns on the growth of his head or any issue involving the brain....and then...the specialist says a sentence that made my heart drop to the floor. "But, my team and I did find something else on his scan, Zaydon has a small benign cyst on his brain!" I wanted to scream. I wanted to bawl like a big baby. I wanted that doctor to take it back. It isn't true. So many thoughts raced through my head. A fear like nothing I have ever felt before in my entire life. Our poor baby boy. How can this be happening!! The specialist then proceeds to tell me that there is no concern at this time. That this cyst is no need for alarm or worry. It will not be an issue but it will remain with him forever. He then states that there have been some cases where when the child is older that it has caused some issues. But he doesn't believe it is going to be anything other than what it is for Zaydon at this moment in time...a small benign cyst on his brain. And he wants to see us back in 4 months for a follow up.

Now, can someone please tell me how in the hell are we not supposed to be concerned or worry about this!? I don't understand how any parent wouldn't be. If I am going to be honest, I am truly terrified about this news we have recently received. I hurt for him. I can't stand that this has happened to him!! I have been trying to wrap my head around all of it. I will say, I am ever so happy that there are no issues with the growth of his brain or the skull. I was able to lift my shoulders a little with that being said...But I have a huge fear for my little boy and I now will carry that fear always. Mama and Daddy are here and we will fight for & with you all the way Zay. Now, Ray and I have discussed getting a second opinion on this. We want to do all that we can for our son and his health. At the same time, a part of me feels like what if a second opinion gives us answers we don't want to hear. My heart hurts. I know how scared I feel to have cysts growing on the inside of my body, on my reproductive system. I know how scared I am to carry such an unbearable illness with me. But there is nothing that can compare to the fear, as a mother, that I feel for my little boy.

Give me the cyst!!! I can take it. I am already broken, bruised, and damaged...my poor little boy is not. He doesn't deserve this. He deserves to know a life without hospitals, doctor visits, medications, scans, and what have you. You take that Gosh damn cyst from my Zaydon Michael and you place it inside me...wherever you like. I'll take it in a heart beat. I'll do anything so that our son doesn't have to endure this!!! Now I fully understand what my Mama means when she says she would take all my pain if she could. She means it with her whole heart. She would rather suffer than watch her daughter suffer...than to have to sit back and not be able to do damn thing about it. I feel helpless and that is a feeling I unfortunatley do know all too well.

I am unsure if this cyst on Zay's brain will ever cause any issue at all. He may very well live a normal, happy, and healthy life with it. Which is what we will hope and wish for daily. I am unsure of everything about this cyst and that might just be the scariest part about it. A doctor is telling me not worry or be concerned yet our 8 month old son, our entire world, our everything has just been diagnosed with having a benign cyst on his brain...and for that, I will always worry about him. All the while, I will forever keep faith for him to be just fine with it!

*** I recently found Zay's radiology report on his online portal with CM. I am trying real hard to figure out why exactly the specialist told me over the phone that Zaydon has a SMALL benign cyst on his brain...when in fact his CT Scan results state that he has a LARGE Arachnoid Cyst (still a benign cyst) on his brain????? I also found out the specific type of cyst Zaydon has on his brain is called an Arachnoid Cyst. (Ah-Rack-Noid) I have most definitely been doing my research and will continue to do so. We will do everything we can to help our baby boy. We will get through this and whatever comes our way, TOGETHER!!! Please send positive thoughts and vibes our way! I am also copying and including a little information I have found on exactly what his cyst is and consists of.***

General Discussion
Arachnoid cysts are fluid-filled sacs that occur on the arachnoid membrane that covers the brain (intracranial) and the spinal cord (spinal). There are three membranes covering these parts of the central nervous system: the dura mater, arachnoid, and pia mater. Arachnoid cysts appear on the arachnoid membrane, and they may also expand into the space between the pia mater and arachnoid membranes (subarachnoid space). The most common locations for intracranial arachnoid cysts are the middle fossa (near the temporal lobe), the suprasellar region (near the third ventricle) and the posterior fossa, which contains the cerebellum, pons, and medulla oblongata. In many cases, arachnoid cysts do not cause symptoms (asymptomatic). In cases in which symptoms occur, headaches, seizures and abnormal accumulation of excessive cerebrospinal fluid in the brain (hydrocephalus) are common. The exact cause of arachnoid cysts is unknown. Arachnoid cysts are classified according to their specific location.

Signs & Symptoms
In most cases, arachnoid cysts are present at birth (congenital), but usually do not cause any symptoms (asymptomatic) throughout an individual’s life. Less often, arachnoid cysts may develop because of head injury, the presence of a tumor, infection or surgery on the brain.
Whether symptoms develop depends upon the size and the specific location of the cyst within the brain. Small cysts usually do not cause symptoms. However, cysts can increase in size causing symptoms to appear, especially if they press against a cranial nerve, the brain, or the spinal cord.

Most cases of arachnoid cysts that are associated with symptoms occur in childhood. The specific symptoms present vary from case to case. It is important to note that affected individuals will not have all of the symptoms listed below.

The most common symptoms associated with arachnoid cysts are usually nonspecific and include headaches, nausea, vomiting, dizziness and the accumulation of excessive cerebrospinal fluid in the brain (hydrocephalus), resulting in increased intracranial pressure. In rare cases, in some children, an arachnoid cyst can cause malformation of certain cranial bones, resulting in an abnormally enlarged head (macrocephaly). .

A variety of additional symptoms occur in some individuals with arachnoid cysts depending upon the size and location of the cyst. Most cysts occur near the middle fossa region of the brain. Such symptoms include lethargy, seizures, vision abnormalities and hearing abnormalities. Neurological signs may be present because arachnoid cysts may cause increased pressure on structures of the brain. Such neurological findings may include developmental delays, behavioral changes, an inability to control voluntary movements (ataxia), difficulties with balance and walking and cognitive impairment. Weakness or paralysis on one side of the body (hemiparesis) has also been reported.

In addition to hydrocephalus, cysts located in the suprasellar region may be associated with vision disturbances, continuous bobbing of the head, and abnormalities affecting certain hormone-producing glands that help to regulate the rate of growth, sexual development, and certain metabolic functions (endocrine system).

Although they occur much less often than those found within the skull (intracranial), arachnoid cysts may also arise near the spine (spinal arachnoid cysts). Spinal arachnoid cysts may be associated with progressive weakness of the legs, tingling or numbness in the hands or feet, abnormal side-to-side curvature of the spine (scoliosis), back pain, and involuntary muscle spasms (spasticity) that result in slow, stiff movements of the legs. In rare cases, these cysts may cause paralysis of the legs (paraplegia). Urinary tract infections may also occur in individuals with spinal arachnoid cysts.

Other symptoms and physical findings have been reported to be associated with arachnoid cysts including migraine headaches, attention-deficit disorder and difficulties understanding or expressing language (aphasia). The exact cause and effect relationship between these findings and arachnoid cysts is not clear.

Causes
The exact cause of arachnoid cysts is not known. Researchers believe that most cases of arachnoid cysts are developmental malformations that arise from the unexplained splitting or tearing of the arachnoid membrane. According to the medical literature, cases of arachnoid cysts have run in families (familial cases) suggesting that a genetic predisposition may play a role in the development of arachnoid cysts in some individuals.

In some cases, arachnoid cysts occurring in the middle fossa are accompanied by underdevelopment (hypoplasia) or compression of the temporal lobe. The exact role that temporal lobe abnormalities play in the development of middle fossa arachnoid cysts is unknown.

Some complications of arachnoid cysts can occur when a cyst is damaged because of minor head trauma. Trauma can cause the fluid within a cyst to leak into other areas (e.g., subarachnoid space). Blood vessels on the surface of a cyst may tear and bleed into the cyst (intracystic hemorrhage), increasing its size. If a blood vessel bleeds on the outside of a cyst, a collection of blood (hematoma) may result. In the cases of intracystic hemorrhage and hematoma, the individual may have symptoms of increased pressure within the cranium and signs of compression of nearby nerve (neural) tissue.

Arachnoid cysts can also occur secondary to other disorders such as Marfan’s syndrome, arachnoiditis, or agenesis of the corpus callosum. (For more information on these disorders, choose the specific disorder name as your search term in the Rare Disease Database).

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5-24-18

Here I go again... Why is life so unfair sometimes? I cannot stop thinking about the cyst Zay has on his brain. I just can't. I cannot stop worrying about him and the outcome. I cannot stop researching and researching every single thing on his CT Scan results. My eyes fill with tears throughout the day while I wonder "why" and feel absolutely helpless. He doesn't deserve to have this. I have no clue how to make it all go away. I have no clue how to make this all better. I am trying my hardest to figure it all out. I have contacted his local doctor and asked for a referral to a neurologist at CM. She faxed his CT Scan results and his files to one; we should be hearing from them soon to set up an appointment. We are ready for answers!

I will never give up. It's not fair for him to have this. He deserves a normal life. Not doctors, tests, scans, surgeries, fear, pain, and all that could come with this. I know first hand what it is like to live with something that was brushed to the side with no answers. No help. No resolution. I know what it is like to live with something you cannot control and fear every single day... I will not let our baby feel that and have to go through that. This Mama Bear will fight all the way to figure this all out and we will get through it all together, regardless!!

Every time I speak of it, think of it, educate myself on it, I want to break down and cry. But, I only do that when it's just me and Zaydon. I tell him how sorry I am that he has this. How sorry I am that I can't take it away. How me and Daddy will be here holding his hand through this new journey we may have to embark on together. I am not a religious person, as I do believe in God, I do not pray much anymore. I stopped praying when every thing fell apart years ago...But, I am going to pray for my baby. I am going to ask for prayers. I am going to trust that God guided you to us and that he will guide you through this, with the help of all your loved ones. Mama loves you Zaydon Michael, more than anything in this world...and I will always be here for you. I will always fight for you. I will always protect you. I will always be who you can lean on through anything that life throws in your path. I will stay strong for you. I will keep faith for you. We will travel this journey together just as we have all the others...

P.S. On an extremely happy note...Our adoption was finalized on May 14th 2018, the day after Mother's Day. Everything is done and final. He is ours forever. As he has always been ours, he is now ours not only in all of our eyes but also in the eyes of the law. His birth certificate has been changed to our names. We are legally and forever his Mother and Father. It is amazing! We, again, thank the two incredible people who kept every promise to us, who gifted us our Zaydon, who gave us our dream come true, who gave us forever happiness, & who will be carried in our hearts as our angels...Thank you and much love. Always know we will keep our promise to you as well. Zaydon is loved beyond measure, always will be. He is happy. He will never want, need, or be without. You will watch him grow through photos. You will always be just one text away from knowing how he is or checking in on him and our life together. I assure you, you couldn't have chosen or intrusted any two better people than Ray and I to be Mama and Daddy to, to raise as our own, to love and to teach, to guide and to discipline, the beautiful and amazing little boy you gave life too. I believe we ALL chose one another and we did a damn good job at it. I am proud to have you as our Birth Parents! I am thankful for you every day of my life. Zaydon will know what you have done for us and for him...one day he will know about the two people that gave him the best gift anyone could give, a forever family full of endless love and care.........US! ❣❣❣ 

Update on Zay: As of last Wednesday he weighs 19.10 pounds. He is sitting up on his own. He is saying "DaDa", "Mom", & "Mama" constantly. He has two bottom teeth and the top ones are coming in too. He can hold and grab anything with his hands and feet. He rolls all over the place. Ray thinks he will walk before he crawls. He doesn't like tummy time too well so he isn't quite crawling yet but he tries to pull himself up and stands up for long periods of time when you hold his hands. He now takes big boy baths without a bath seat...and man does he love to splash!! He is learning to drink from a sippy cup. And he is eating pretty much everything we do...chopped up for now of course. He loves the outdoors. He loves visiting with his Grandma's and Papa. He gets overly excited when Daddy walks in the door, every day. He loves story time and play time with Mama. He got his first hair cut on May 12th. He loves to be tickled. He likes funny faces and voices. He loves his doggies and cat. And monkeys are his favorite. His hair has a golden blonde color to it and his eyes are big, gorgeous, and blue as blue can be. He tries to sign "Please" when he wants something. He is just all around amazing...and we are more than proud of him!!

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5-26-18

I would like to give a little update on Zaydon. I received the call today to set up Zay's appointment with a neurologist at Children's Mercy. The neurologist wants to do an MRI on him. Unfortunately, due to the fact that during an MRI they need you to lay completely still for an hour and Zaydon is just a baby; will not be able to do so...he has to be sedated through the entire test! I don't like it at all. I am honestly scared, for more than one reason. Ray doesn't like the idea either but he assures me that Zay is a strong little guy and he's going to be just fine. And I know he is but this all just scares the holy hell out of me and hurts my heart for him. It is all so unfair...

Zaydon has his MRI on June 25th. We have to check in at "CM" radiology at 8am. His MRI will be from 9-10am. He will be in recovery from the sedation from 10-11am. And then we go on over to the Neurology Doctor for our appointment at 11am. I am unsure why they asked for an MRI and so quickly after the other doctor said we had nothing at all to worry about. I am hoping with all my heart that it is just to be on the safe side and get a better image of what's going on with his cyst. But my mind cannot help but wonder if the neurologist saw something more on Zay's CT Scan results. I can't stand not knowing! I don't know what to think right now. All I can do is feel...and I am feeling so many different things at this point in time.

I know our baby is a fighter, has been since the day he came into this world. I know that we will do any and everything possible to help him with whatever he needs. I know that no matter what happens he will always be okay because we will make sure of it. I know that not only is he made of strength, he has two parents that are built with endless strength as well. His parents never give up. They are born fighters just like him!  We would go any distance for our Zaydon... I just wish like hell he didn't have to deal with this or go through any of it. But as we all know, we can't change those types of things in life. All we can do is fight through them, keep faith, be there for, and love one another through any and all of it.

I am a stay at home mom so I spend every single day, all day with my little man. I get to teach him. I get to witness each and every new thing he accomplishes. He is such a smart 8 month old. He is generally healthy. He is not behind or having any developmental issues or delays. He is always happy and his smile can brighten anyones day. I know it does mine. I just want amazing things for him. I want him to be able to run around, play, and fall down. I want him to be able to rough it like all other boys. I want him to be able to play sports when he is older...all without fear of this thing that is in his brain. I want him to always stay strong and never give up. I want him to achieve all things he sets his mind to. I want him to experience all that life can be without fear. I want him to have a happy, healthy, and long life with no pain. I want him to know that no matter what, we're here for him and we have his back through anything that may or may not come in life. His Mama and Daddy have always fought for him and we will do just that til the end of time. We love you Zay, always know that. And we're sorry you have to go through any of this. We're sorry you have a cyst on your brain. But, if I have learned anything good from living with my Endometriosis, it is that I am not my illness. I am me. No matter what I have to go through with it, I will always be Amanda Kay Dilley. Whatever comes your way in life Son, never let it define you. Never allow it to take who you're away. Always just be Zaydon Michael Dilley!

We're asking for prayers, positive thoughts, and good vibes to be sent our way for Zaydon. I know he has one hell of a group of admirers that have been behind him since the day he was born. I know that you all prayed for him from the time he was born and while he spent the first two weeks of his life in NICU at Children's Mercy Hospital with Respiratory Distress. I know that this little guy has filled the hearts of so many people out there just as he has ours. So I know he not only has all of us standing by him, he has all of you.

We thank you in advance for all your prayers and positive thoughts. We also thank you for following my Blog and continuing to be a part of our journey. I will most definitely keep you updated on what is going on with Zaydon's cyst and how he is doing day to day of course.

Everyone have a safe & enjoyable Memorial weekend.  

By the way, I do try to add recent photos below. Be sure and check every now and then. ☺

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6-1-18

To love. To be loved. Two of the greatest gifts. I have been fortunate enough to have lots of love in my life. I have also had plenty of hate in my life as well. Some hate I have given. Some I have received. Some that I care about. Some that I don't lose a wink of sleep over. Isn't life funny sometimes? And sometimes not funny at all. I am in amazement of how my life, our life has came to form. All the ups and downs. All the forevers. All the forever nots. The true miracle we hold every day. I honestly can say I never imagined that my life would go the way it has though. Not even close. No one can prepare or imagine the types of hardships and heartbreaks that we had to endure over the years.

Never did I even come close to imagining having an illness my whole life. Never did I imagine the pains that I would suffer. Never did I imagine that I would have someone like Ray as my best friend, husband, and rock. Never did I imagine I would have a son as amazing as Zaydon. You know, all our lives most of us try to plan ahead. We try to figure how it will all go. We think we know but we have no clue. No matter how hard you try to, your story writes itself every day. I know mine sure did. Ours did. We fought like hell every day for almost ten years for something that just never came. We planned. We predicted. We tried and tried. We struggled. We suffered. We failed. But the only thing we did right was wait...we waited for our story to write itself. We waited for our life to fall apart. We waited for our blessing of Zaydon to come and put our pieces back together.

As I worry about our son with the new finding of the cyst on his brain, I can't help but have faith that his story will write itself and will turn out just as ours has. With a happy ending to start a new beginning. As a mother I still look at him with tears in my eyes and fear in my heart, that will just never go away. But when I look at him I see a happy, healthy, amazing little boy who I adore. I will of course always carry a fear but I cannot show him that. I will not put him in a bubble. He will experience life with all its beautys and flaws. He is going to be okay. We're anxiously awaiting for the MRI, for more answers and solutions. I will never stop thinking how unfair it is that he has to endure any of this but we are a strong Family. We got this!

Today, I sang to Zaydon. Songs that I used to listen to during our infertility struggles. Songs that broke my heart and made me cry. Today as I sang to my son, I cried happy tears. Tears of joy for being his mama. For being blessed with him in our life. I am still in awe and amazed that he is OUR SON. He makes us proud and full of happiness on a daily. Let me tell ya, we couldn't have wished for, hoped for, fought for, and prayed for a more perfect child for us!!

Father's Day will be here soon. I cannot wait for Ray to celebrate on his day. He deserves it more than anything. A day I have so badly waited for as well. Ray is an amazing Daddy to Zay. And Zay absolutely adores him. I am pretty sure they're "Best Buds Forever". Melts my heart. We already got him his gift for Father's Day. I hope he likes it. I only hope I can give him the day him and Zaydon deserve together.  Remember it's the small things that sometimes matter the most in life....

P.S. I forgot to share how my 1st Mother's Day went. I have had so much going on with Zaydon I wrote about that first. My Mother's Day was amazing. Ray and Zaydon each got me a bouquet of all my favorite candies with little balloons in them. Each a card. Which both made me cry. Us three spent the entire day together. Ray went and picked up our favorite, Chinese to-go and movies. We just stayed home enjoying the day. We did see my mama, Ray's mama, and my little sister to give them their gifts but other than that it was just an Us kind of day. It felt nice. Ray did an awesome job! A big thanks to my husband and my son for a wonderful and memorable 1st Mother's Day! <3

Have a great weekend everyone. Thank you for following and for all the prayers for Zay. :-)

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6-6-18

I would like to start with... ZAYDON IS NOW CRAWLING!! And has 3 bottom teeth!! Yay! The little Sugar Monkey crawled for the very first time on his 9 month Birthday, June 4th. We're so proud of him. I sure do say that a lot but you know what, it's because we're always proud of him and all his achievements. :-) He's doing wonderful, still. And he will be walking before we know it. I also cannot believe he will be ONE in just a few short months. Just seems wild on so many levels.

I absolutely love it when he looks at me and says, "Mama". I honestly never thought in a million years that I would ever hear that very word...yet it feels so right, so perfect. As we watch our little guy grow, learn, and achieve...I can't help but to think how lucky we are to be his parents. To share his life with him. To share ours. It has never been more important to me that Ray and I set a good example for Zaydon. That we give him the guidance that he needs. That he feels the tremendous amount of love we have for him. That we teach him discipline and respect. That we instill in him the value of Family, Life, and Love.

Half of my life I have told myself what kind of Mother I would be if I ever had the chance. I hope that I am every bit of that to and for Zay. My life has not been perfect and I have made many mistakes throughout it. But, if I have done anything right so far, it is the Mama I am to Zaydon. And the Wife I am to Ray. That little boy and that man are my life. And I am sure Ray would say the same for him.

I am currently working on transitioning Zaydon to sleeping in his own room, in his crib through the night. Tonight will be the first night for it. So far so good. I started him off with taking each nap in there today. He did well with that. He did take some time moving around and "talking" a lot but he eventually settled in and took his naps. This evening he spent a couple hours at my parents house. When he came home he was worn out, of course. We played a little and then got him ready for bedtime. It took him about an hour to settle down, as I watched him on the baby monitor. He cried some but not too awful bad, like I thought he might. Again, he eventually settled in and fell fast asleep to Twinkle Twinkle, with stars on his ceiling, and his favorite Monkey in his arms. (He has to fall asleep with his Monkey but we do not let him sleep with it, we take it out as soon as we know he is asleep.) As I am still watching him on the monitor he seems to be doing just fine. Big Boy! I am sure this night will be the longest for me instead of him...it is the first night since he came home from CM Hospital that I will be sleeping in a different room from him. Yikes. It's okay Mama your little boy is going to be just fine!!!! <3

This Friday is his 9 month check-up with his local doctor. I am anxious to see what he weighs and his height. He also has to have a physical done for his MRI coming soon. I will most definitely update after his appointment sometime. And we're still asking to keep the prayers, good vibes, and positive thoughts coming his way for the Arachnoid Cyst and future tests. Worry in my mind but faith in my heart...

Tonight I didn't have too much to really write about other than my updates on Zay...which I know everyone loves to hear! :-) I will be writing again soon... Seems there is a storm coming. The wind just picked up something fierce, bending trees over. I am going to call it a night and watch the weather now. Everyone stay safe and have a goodnight.

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6-13-18

Respect. It is something that is very important to me. Not only to give it but to receive it as well. As my Husband would say, I demand it. And I do. I was raised to give respect but to also demand it in return. It is something that I will make sure that our son believes and follows every day of his life. I was also raised to stand up for myself, to speak the truth, and to never let anyone make me think I am anything less than what I know I am. Again, something I will teach Zaydon. I am a firm believer in respect and having manners. I teach my son to say "Thank you", "Please", "Sorry", "Excuse me", & "You're welcome". Have you ever been in public and held a door open for someone(common courtesy) and that person just walks on by without saying a word. That my friends, erks my soul. It is rude. I do not want Zay to be rude in his lifetime, unless he has to be of course. Respect comes in all different forms. And so many people, children especially, lack it these days. A total lack of guidance and discipline on some parents parts. That, I will never understand.

Yes, I will be Zaydon's friend. He will know he can confide in me with anything. I will be there for him through any and all that comes his way. I will guide him. I will alllow him to also make & learn from his mistakes. I will be an ear to listen and a mouth of sound advice when needed. But most of all, I will be his parent. Many parents nowadays see the need to just be their childs friend and that causes confusion. It causes disrespect and lack of morals. A child needs boundaries in life. They need love, care, protection, and comfort. They need guidance.They need fun times and to make memories. They need structure. And they need discipline. I believe these are all important things to have in life and I will give each one to our son.

Zay had his 9 month check up last week. He is right on track with everything the doctor says. And he is weighing in at 19 pounds 7 ounces. Chunk butt. He's doing well. Still eating great. Trying to go go go. He likes to brush his teeth, well when I do anyway. I sing him a song and he opens his mouth right up. "Ya brush your teeth, ch ch ch, ya brush your teeth, ch ch ch, ya brush your tongue, ch ch ch, ch ch ch." He gets a kick out of it. He has done amazing moving to his own room and in his crib to sleep for naps and bedtime. We actually already had to move his mattress down because he is trying to pull himself up now. He has changed his sleep patterns a little and wakes through the night sometimes. I am not sure if it is because he was sick last month and was waking up throughout the night but I hope he goes back to his sleeping all night. This mama is tired haha. He also has awful allergies that the doctor told us to give him Benadryl for. She said allergies are bad this year. As I said before, I teach him sign language and he is now trying to sign "Please", "Eat", and "Give me". It is so adorable. And amazing to watch him learn and grow. To see just how smart he truly is. He is most definitely one of a kind. We're super proud.

We will be planning his 1st Birthday shortly, how exciting is that!? I can't wait. Our baby boy is growing into an amazing little "big" boy and he keeps his Mama and Daddy in awe every single day. Happiness has taken over our lives...and it is all because of him! <3  

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6-16-18

Father's Day. Such a special day for Ray. One we have both longed for. Sadly enough his job has taken him out of town to work on Father's Day weekend. I am trying to figure out what sense it makes but it makes none to me. We wanted him here with us for his very first Father's Day. Instead he is away. Zaydon and I went ahead and gave him the gifts and cards we had gotten him before he left. Zaydon had a hat custom made for him. Airbrushed with the words "Dad" and underneath the words "Est. 9/4/17 Zaydon Michael". It is black, red, and white...all Ray's favorite colors. Ray has a huge hat addiction, our walls are covered with them. My gift to him was a small photo book filled with photos of him and Zaydon from the day he was born until now. He seemed to like them both.

And as he may be away from us we will still be home celebrating him and the amazing Daddy he is! I am just so sorry he cannot be here to spend it with Zay, I know that bothers him. We just hope that no matter where he is that he has the day that he truly deserves. He is such a wonderful Dad. He has honestly waited for, wished for, and wanted this day, for what I am sure has felt like a lifetime to him. This man deserves to be a Daddy, to be Zaydon's Daddy. And to be celebrated for the kind of Dad he is. Zay's card he got for Ray had the saying "Any man can be a Father but it takes a special person to be a Dad"...and that couldn't be more true. Zay and I are lucky to have Ray in our lives. Us three fit together perfect in every way...a true miracle was made...our little Family. <3

Happy Father's Day Ray! Happy Father's Day Dad! We love you both so much and we're beyond blessed to have such amazing men in our lives! Enjoy your day, you deserve it more than anyone I know.

Happy Father's Day to all the real Dads out there in the world. We hope you enjoy your day!

Zaydon is still doing good. Nothing too new since I last wrote the other day. Just his usual happy, adorable, loving self. :-)

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6-22-18

I am a little off today. Waking up at 3am with a pain that not even I understood has made my entire day go south. I don't talk a lot about my pain nowadays. I guess I put it to the side for Zaydon. I still feel it very much but I do have better days. My pain almost seems irrelevant anymore. I know what I have to do and I do it. Don't get me wrong there have been days that I have had to ask for help. Thank God we live so close to our family. They have always came right to my rescue. It also helps being a stay at home Mama now. On days that I can't endure I can rest. I don't know how I can complain. I am living my dream...even though I sometimes have to live it with internal pain. I do believe it's time for another doctor visit but I am quite sure she will say the word "surgery" and that, I am not at all ready for. So until then...Lets move on...

Zaydon is doing great. He is a major jabber box. I love it. He is just growing so fast. I feel like he does something new and amazing each day. His MRI is this Monday. I am stressing and nervous but staying positive. I will not write again until after the appointment so any and all prayers and good thoughts are appreciated. Lets go get some answers for our boy...

I wrote a little poem for Zaydon that I wanted to share with all of you.

To my amazing son Zaydon Michael Dilley. You're my wish come true!! Mama loves you too much! <3

My Wish

I wished upon a star,

Not knowing you could be so far.

I wished for years,

Not knowing you were the reason behind my tears.

I wished and wished and wished some more,

Not knowing you were what I was wishing for.

I wished I may, I wished I might,

Not knowing you were the reason behind the fight.

I wished for you you see,

Not knowing if you would ever be.

I wished this wish so constant and true,

Not knowing this wish would bring me you.

I wished upon a star,

Then you came...and here you are.

No more wishing on that star.

My wish came true and worth the wait by far.

-Amanda Dilley Copyright2018-

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6-26-18

Today is just strictly an update on Zaydon, his MRI, and his appointment with the Neuro Surgeon. I want to start with saying, I am super proud of our boy. He did so amazing through it all. Not one time was he cranky or didn't smile. He was unable to eat after 2am before the MRI because he was having to be sedated. I woke him up at 1:30am to make sure he had a bottle before he couldn't anymore. He went without from 2am until after the MRI at 10:30am! And smiled through it all. He's such a happy little boy!

As far as the MRI, everything went perfectly well. He was put under sedation with gas and then was given an IV. Which later I learned the little sh*t pulled out his IV that was on his hand. He bled a little bit but they got it under control. The nurse acted like she didn't even want to tell me about that incident...when I asked her where the blood on him came from. This Mama wasn't too happy but I felt his pain from it, hurt my heart that he had went through that. Didn't seem to really bother him any though. Which is good. Other than that, no other issues.

Meeting with the Neuro surgeon we learned that Zay's Arachnoid Cyst is about 2inx2inx3in in size. Doctor said it hasn't changed any since his last CT SCan in May, which is good. He says with Zaydon's developmental skills, being happy, and healthy he isn't quite worried about it at this time. Doctor wants to monitor it. He will have to have another MRI(not sedated this time) a Rapid MRI, in one year. Depending on the results it will determine how often Zay has to have these MRI's. He will want to monitor the cyst, depending on each times results and if changes have been happening with it, until Zaydon is around five to six years old. He also mentioned that we will have to determine if Zay will be able to play contact sports
 in the future because it can rupture if there is head trauma. He did say though, that Zay most definitely will not be able to be in any kind of boxing. But he also said it doesn't mean he cannot play other sports. A decision we will have to discuss in the future as a family.

Basically, the cyst isn't causing any issues right now and may never. We will keep an eye on it and visit the doctors regularly to make sure it isn't changing or causing any problems for him. He is okay. And I am thankful for all this news. We're happy our boy isn't having pain and we didn't get bad news. We will always worry because he still and forever will have an Arachnoid Cyst on his brain...but no serious worry or concern at this time. I do hate that he has to endure the continous doctor appointments and scans but as long as my baby is going to be okay and we can make sure of it, it is what has to be done unfortunately.

Zaydon came home yesterday and was still doing great. He ate fine. Slept fine. Other than he was a little off schedule but that was to be expected. We're all great! :-) I just wanted to give an update to all of our followers and to send a HUGE thank you for all the many continued prayers and positive thoughts. You may keep them coming! Everyone have an amazing evening! <3

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7-7-18

July 4th had many meanings to us. Not only was it Zay's first, our first as a family, and Zaydon turning 10 months old, it was also the year anniversary of us fidning out about Zaydon and that we were going to be his parents. It was truly an amazing day. Zaydon LOVED when Daddy threw the adult poppers, he literally laughed so hard that he couldn't catch his breath at times. He did like some of the others but I will say those were definitely his favorite. We had a blast just being able to watch him enjoy it so much. Making beautiful memories with our boy...our hearts are full! 

I cannot believe how fast he is growing...and his ability to learn new things each day. He is now able to pull himself up and stand all by himself. He has more teeth coming in. And he said DOG today at my parents. It saddens my heart to see him not be a baby anymore but it brings great excitement to my life to be able to be with him every single day and watch him grow into a big boy. He is the greatest thing I have ever laid eyes on...and Ray and I are more than blessed to be his Mama and Daddy. Even in pain, I smile every single day of my life...because of Zaydon.

I included a family photo of us on the 4th of July...you will find it below. <3 It is one of my favorites!

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7-10-18

As I look back on my life, I realize now how deep my depression truly was. Having so much happiness now I can see that I was not on good terms with life back then. I knew it. Others too. I recently found out that some of my friends and loved ones were really concerned about the decisions I might make due to all I had endured back then. I won't lie...I worried too. At times, I truly wanted to give up. I felt like my whole world was lost in a never-ending nightmare. I, sadly secluded myself emotionally from the people who meant the most to me. I had an amazing husband, wonderful family, and great friends...yet I still couldn't seem to find the happiness I was longing for. I felt empty. Don't get me wrong, my husband made me happy, my family made me happy, my friends made me happy...but there was a different kind of happiness I was looking for. One that none of them could give me unfortunately.

It was hard. It was scary. To feel like you're lost, so lost that you cannot see your feet step in front of you. I do not exaggerate my pain nor my depression. It was very much real. I am ever so lucky to not feel those things any longer. I wish that I had never "let" myself become what I was back then. But it honestly wasn't something I could help too much. I know that at times I have let my husband down, my family, and my friends. And for that I am very sorry. I try now to make it up to all of them, not sure if I am doing a good enough job at it but I am definitely a different person than before.

My heart will never forget the hurt we have endured but it has been repaired with a kind of love that cannot be explained even when tried. My faith is no longer shaky. The power to move forward is at full force. My wish, everything that we have fought so damn hard for, is here...it's real and it's forever. Ray and Zaydon make my life what it is...complete.

Ya know, throughout my life I have traveled journeys that no one should. I have felt pain that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I have lost more times than I can count. But one thing I can say, no matter what I have been through, I am truly a "girl" who has everything she has ever WISHED for. When I was 4 years old at my brithday party, when I blew out my candles and made my wish, I wished my Dad to be my Dad. He made that wish come true. And has been the greatest Dad and friend to me. When I was a teenage girl, as we all do, I wished for the man of my dreams. He came into my life when I was 19 years old and has been here ever since. My Best Friend, through thick and thin! When I was 20 years old I wished for Ray and I's child. It took a very long time for him to get here...but he came 9 1/2 years later. Our child. Our forever. Our heart. Our dream come true. Our Zaydon Michael.

I have gotten everything I have ever wished for...and for that I am forever grateful!

Please check out my websites if you haven't already.

Smell Good : smellgoodmelts.yolasite.com

Remembering When: rememberingwhenphotography.website2.me

Avon: youravon.com/mcaton

Thank you for following us! The Dilley Journey will forever live on... <3  :-)

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8-1-18

Betrayal. It sucks to feel like your body is betraying you. I haven't felt the best lately. Not that too many know that...I don't share. I know that it is time for a doctor visit and I am almost certain it is time for a third surgery. But I am not ready. I have Zaydon. I don't want to be down and out for recovery. I am not ready for a hysterectomy and more of a hormone change than I already experience. What I am ready for is a cure.

My body betrays me nearly every day...how does someone cope with that? I do...because it's the only choice I have. Some choose to give up. Some choose to fall apart. Some choose to end it. I choose to fight and fight like hell. I know that I do need to go to the doctor...it has been almost 3 years since I have been. I just know there is nothing they can do for me. My doctor has already told me that time and time again. It will mainly be surgery after surgery after surgery. It will be a full hysterectomy soon or I will most definitely get Ovarian Cancer. Scary huh? I think about it every single day. Endo has stolen so much from me over the years... I just want to wait as long as I can before having to deal with it all again, not that I don't deal with it every day but I mean doctor wise. Surgery wise. More bad news wise. I just want to enjoy my family as much as I can...not deal with the ignorant disease I have. 

But...I also am smart enough to know that no matter what I want...it is never going to go away. And if I do not take the appropriate actions in the appropriate amount of time, it will only be worse on me and my family. So after many thinking sessions and listening to my baby sister... after Zaydon's 1st Birthday I am going to go. I am going to see what is next for me. And no matter what it is, I know that I will get through it. I will be strong. I will keep pushing on...because my little boy is my whole world and the reason behind every single thing I do, every reason for fighting. Boy does he sure know how to keep his Mama's mind on happiness instead of pain.

I know that more and more women and girls are finding out that they have Endometriosis. They're scared. They're confused. They're heartbroken. They feel all alone. They need all of you. Any of you. Each and everyone of you to just understand. To try to comprehend that this, a life with Endometriosis, is beyond imaginable. We sometimes need people to just believe us when we say.......It hurts!

Be there for your friends, your family, your loved ones. Regardless if you know what Endometriosis is. Regardless if you understand what it's like to travel a road of Infertility. REGARDLESS. Be there and be there all the way. Don't feel sorry for them. Don't tell them it's going to get better. Just be there and support them. Believe whatever they are telling you. Some of us put on a very strong front but don't let it fool you all the way...we still crumble at times and we still need you. I can't imagine having to have gone through all I have without the amazing loved ones I have had right by my side. Others are not as fortunate as I am when it comes to a support system. So I am here to tell YOU if you think you have no one...YOU HAVE ME!

Update:

Zaydon is doing great, as always. He is developing even more of a personality. Which I love! He is growing, growing, growing. Still loves all kinds of foods. Not a picky kid. Does a lot of feeding himself, even though he doesn't quite have the spoon/fork idea down, he still tries. He has a 5th tooth coming in...YAY! He isn't walking on his own yet but walks all over holding onto things. He likes to dance...his fav to dance to is "Baby Shark"...we get down to it. :-) I cannot believe in a little over a month he will be ONE. Crazy. Amazing. Aside from Endo issues...our life is wonderful. Still happy...that's never going to change now. Every day is a blessing and a new adventure for us. We are watching our son become the most amazing Big Boy. Life is good. Will write soon. Take care...and we will too.

Check Out smellgoodmelts.yolasite.com

You don't wanna miss out on all my new products!

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8-9-18

Update on Zaydon:

Tonight for the very first time Zay walked all by himself!!!! Our son walked!! Again, another proud moment for us as Zaydon's parents! How incredible to be apart of that milestone for him! His Gammy Sissy stood him up to his playhouse and he turned around and took off walking to our loveseat, about 3-4 feet! We were so excited! :-) Ray and I cannot believe how FAST our little man is growing up. Amazing. Exciting. And sad. Now....the crazy fun starts!----

To hear that someone so close to you has too many of the same issues and symptoms that you have with Endometriosis. Someone who shares the same blood and genetics as you, so you know she has a 7 times greater chance of having been cursed with this awful illness as well. My heart is broken, to say the least. No, we do not know for sure if Endo is what she has but either way, no matter what it is caused from, I know all too well that pain is not normal and I surely do not want someone I love to endure it. I, so far, have been the only woman in our family to have been diagnosed with this life altering disease. Now with that being said, that doesn't always mean I am the only woman to have it.

I know what Endo brings to the table and I most definitely do not want my loved one attending the same dinner that I have to. She's young. She learned about Endo through me having it and she learned at a very young age. I have to say, she was probably the youngest person I know to be as educated on Endometriosis as she was and still is. I am glad that I could give her the knowledge that she has today so that IF she does have it...she will know the proper steps to take.

I also know that it is scary. Scary for her. Scary for her parents. Scary for her whole family. It's almost something that is literally hard to even accept. But in all reality you just have to. You have to step up and be the support that she needs. The ear and the shoulder she will need time and time again. And sometimes...you have to be her voice when she cannot speak. Believe her always. No matter how hard it may be. I promise you, along with 176+ million other women in the world, that she is not overreacting. She does not exaggerate her pain or her failure to do normal activities. She knows her body better than anyone else can ever know and when she says it hurts...it hurts!

Like I said, she is still young so even with all my fears for her, I have hope. I have hope that if she reaches out and receives the proper medical help she needs that she will in no way have to suffer the way that some of us women or girls do. I have hopes that because she is young and finding out in her younger days, that she can have a greater chance at a better quality of life. Now, as we all know and unfortunately have to accept Endo is forever and causes a pain that no one should ever have to feel. But an early diagnoses can mean so many things for a young girl. It can mean better pain relief. It can mean better quality of life while living with Endometriosis. It can mean preserving fertility. It can mean a smaller chance of the disease progressing to a more aggressive stage. It can mean higher hopes for their future in becoming a woman.

As I have stated before we do not know yet if she does have Endometriosis but I want her to know that no matter what, I am always here for her. I will travel this road with her forever helping her along the way. I will always believe her. I will always understand her pain or sadness. And...I will NEVER let her give up. Not to toot my own horn but she has one bad ass Endo Warrior to fight through this with! "Toot Toot" 

I hope everyone has a great night. Off to relax.

If you haven't done so, go take a look at my website. We have a couple of GREAT specials going on for September with AMAZING products! Go ahead...Let yourself "Smell Good"!

🌟Summer Special:

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See our scent selection & how to order before September orders go in. We only do orders once a month!

Visit: smellgoodmelts.yolasite.com 

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8-29-18

Okay, let me just start with...Zaydon is WALKING. No really, I mean all over the place. Go, go, go! I sometimes just cannot believe how fast he is growing up. I have never been more proud in my life than I am every day as I watch this little guy grow. Zay weighs approximately 24 pounds, wearing 12 months. He has 8 teeth so far now. He waves and says "Hiiii". He points. He feeds himself, although he is still trying to learn how the utensils play a part in that. He also has not had a bottle in six days and has done very well with sippy cups for the last few months! Yay!  And today, he had his third hair cut! Not even a year old. Almost though. I never knew I could love someone the way that I love him. I had no idea this is what being a Mama was all about. Never a dull moment. Never a disappointment. Always a smile. Forever a happiness.

In just a few short days our little baby will be ONE year old. Actually, he isn't a baby anymore...he truly is a Big Boy! We're throwing him a big 1st Birthday this weekend. His theme is his favorite, Monkeys (and Bananas of course). I am stressing over getting it all planned and making sure it is perfect for him but I am super excited to be able to have this and make it so incredibly special for him...and us too. We can't wait to celebrate his big day...and watch how he reacts to opening presents, eating his own cake, and having everything be all about him! I decided to bake the cakes all on my own. Zaydon's will be in the shape of a monkey face...and all cakes will be filled with banana cream. We will have food and drinks to show our appreciation for those who attend. There will literally be monkeys hanging from the trees. Just can't wait. We're going Bananas for Zaydon's 1st Birthday! :-)

This little guy deserves the biggest and best 1st Birthday anyone could have. He is amazing, still. Life is grand.

Hope everyone enjoys their evening. Will write soon. I have been super busy with Zay and his party this month but I do plan on getting back into writing my stories too sometime soon, I hope.

You will find a few updated photos below. And also if you haven't had the chance to, please check out my websites. You will love all I have to offer, I promise.

Smell Good : smellgoodmelts.yolasite.com

Remembering When: rememberingwhenphotography.website2.me

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9-4-18

Today is our Big Boy's 1st Birthday! :-) Can you believe it? I cannot believe how fast the time has gone. How much he has grown. My baby is ONE! We're so proud of Zaydon and all his accomplishments. He has been walking since he was 11 months old. He has been off of the bottle for two weeks now. He has 8 teeth. He waves his little hand and says "Hiiiiiii". He points up when you say "One Up". He is learning so many new things each and every day. We are just in awe of him.

We had his birthday party on Sunday and it turned out amazing. Monkeys and bananas were the theme and decorations. It looked awesome. Cakes turned out great too. He had a huge turn out of guests and gifts. Ray and I had always wondered what it would be like to plan and host our childs birthday party...and now we know...it was AMAZING and heart warming for sure. Zay is the best thing that could have ever happened to us and we're thankful to be his Mama and Daddy every single day of our lives. He makes us smile. He makes us proud. He makes us feel things we have never felt before. He makes us...US! He is perfect in every way and we love him more than any words could explain. We can't wait to see how much he grows, changes, and learns with this next year of his life as well as all the others to come. This will be just as amazing as the first year, we already know it!

Exactly one year ago today our baby was brought into this world and took a hold of our hearts. Making us the happiest Mama and Daddy in the whole wide world. As his little adorable self grows so do we, as a Family. Each and every day is a blessing and only gets more amazing. September 4th 2017, our son was born. Our life was completed. Our dream came true. Our miracle happened.  And...we became a forever Family.

Mama and Daddy love you Zaydon Michael Dilley, always and forever!

Happy 1st Birthday to our Big Boy!!!💖💖💖

Please see my Smell Good website as there have been some changes added. Thank you for following my Blog. Zay says hello to all... Have a great evening.

smellgoodmelts.yolasite.com

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10-11-18

I apologize for taking so long to write again. I have been kept pretty busy lately between Zaydon being on the go now and my Smell Goods picking up. Everything has been great really. Except for the cold weather coming our way. I am excited to see Zay's reaction to the first snow though. Halloween is coming quick and we haven't decided what we want him to be this year. Last year he was a Monkey. Go figure. It will be better when he can pick his costume on his own one day soon. By the way, Zay, Ray, & myself are all doing good. Zay's growing like crazy, learning more and more, talking, and just being a toddler. He has attitude and we're working on that...but he is such a big boy for sure! Walking, saying all kinds of words, puts one finger up for 1, knows where his eyes, head, ears, mouth, and nose are. He has been drinking through a straw since he turned one. He plays really well. Still loves learning videos and toys. We read to him and he just sits and listens, looking at the photos in the book. He is doing more sign language too. And boy can he eat. There is not one single thing he won't eat, hopefully he stays that way. All in all he is doing amazing!

Anyway, as I said my Smell Goods are picking up. I have gained a pretty good amount of customers recently but I am looking to gain more still. Everyone who has tried my All-natural homemade products have absolutely loved them. I make Sugar Scrubs, Oatmeal Scrubs, Lotions, Body Mists, and Wax Melts for women & men. I offer specials, gift baskets, & pick ups or shipping. I have a huge selection of scents for all my products. And I am lower in price than most other people who are doing any homemade products like mine. But, I have a signature product and that is my lotion. It is my own recipe and has been by far everyone's favorite. You have got to give it a try if you haven't already. It will leave you silky smooth and smelling AMAZING all day long! Just visit my website and click the yellow button that says "Click here to order" it will then take you to my list of scents, prices, and offers. Don't forget to scroll all the way down, there is a lot to look at! smellgoodmelts.yolasite.com   Be sure to tell your family & friends about me too! :-)

Tomorrow is Ray and I's 5 year Wedding Anniversary. Almost 11 years together and 5 years married...I guess we're doing something right. Ya know, I just cannot imagine my life without him in it. I am lucky to have found such a wonderful man to love and be loved by. Such an amazing Daddy to our son.He takes care of us and works hard to do so.  Our relationship has been a huge journey over the years, that's for sure. Are we perfect, no. Have we made mistakes, yes. Do we have things we disagree on, of course. But one thing that has never failed us is that we have pushed through every obstacle put in our path...and succeeded. There were times when we didn't know what to do or how much more we could truly take. We experienced pains and struggles. And our love never failed us through it all. He is my best friend and I cannot wait to spend many, many, many more years growing old, raising a family, and living life...with him. I know for a fact that I am a hand full. Between my attitude, my will to always speak my mind, and my illness...I don't know how he does it some days. That is how I know he is a good man because he puts up with me. Haha. No, in all honesty he stayed through things that not too many men would. Countless times I had told him I would understand if he wanted to leave and find another woman who wasn't ill and who could give him the family he desired because that is what he deserved. He always told me he wanted me and he wasn't going anywhere no matter the outcome. "We will get through it all together"....is what he would say. And we did. Look what we have now because we never gave up on a dream or each other. Our son lights up our world. I watch Ray play with him and be a Daddy to him and my heart melts. This is our forever and we did it all together!  Tomorrow 10-12 ---Happy Anniversary Babe, I love you big bunches...always! <3

Again, I am sorry it has been a month since I have written. I will try to write again soon. Just a busy busy woman. Don't forget to check out my Smell Goods at smellgoodmelts.yolasite.com You won't regret it!

Have a great day! Zaydon says Hello to all!

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"You may not have my eyes or my smile but from that very first moment, you had my Heart."

I Will Continue To Write & Update As Much As Possible.

Stay Tuned...

Keep Reading Weekly To Find Out About Our Zaydon Michael

Thank you for following our story

I have included links below to help educate on Endometriosis, Infertility, Failed Adoption, & Adoption.

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